you broke the rules, you laid it down for all to see;

Whoops. I officially am the worst blogger ever. What have I been up to, you may ponder. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I had every intention of updating (even if just briefly) last week, during my spring break. As you can see, that obviously didn't happen. Is it possible to be busy with nothing? I think it is.

I made a list for myself of everything I had hoped to get done last week for school (which included reading and finishing 3 books, writing 4 papers, and getting ahead on my chapter outlines), and all that I could force myself to do was one chapter outline and finishing Frankenstein. What the hell did I do with myself for a week if that's all I managed to complete for school? I worked. I hung out with some awesome people. I slept. I sat on my bum all day watching reruns of LOST seasons past and watching Twilight on DVD. And in between all of that nothing, I finally painted the inside of my closet and put my bookcase together. I set up my DVD shelves. My room actually looks lived in now. It's incredible.

My first week back from break was supposed to be me writing those papers (or at least outlining/drafting them) and finishing Revolutionary Road (yeah, I know. I'm still reading it. I've been procrastinating). None of that happened. Instead I got bombarded with MORE work. Next week in French is going to be absolute hell. We have the chapter 9 exam Monday and then Wednesday is our in class composition in which we write in the past tense about our lives today in comparison with the lives of our grandparents. Great. Just what I want to discuss.

And on that note, I've been having a lot of inside conversations with myself lately. A lot of reflection and remembering that led me to the conclusion that I still think of him everyday, and every moment I find myself thinking about him I miss him more and more. And the only reason I haven't fallen apart again is because I won't let myself; there's too much at stake now for me to lose if I let myself just crumble. I may appear happier and better on the outside (and maybe I really am, maybe I'm strong enough to cope with all this grief after all), that all I've done also is gotten better at denying and hiding and burying and ignoring how hurt I still am. I'm not as angry, but I'm still just as hurt. The anger is what set in after the numbness went away, and even though it would be completely melodramatic of me to say that I can't feel anything anymore, what I mean is in comparison to that anger and hatred all other feelings are weak and not as strongly felt.

Anyway. That was a brief update. Now back to getting over my cold and listening to MCS.