dig your heels in, li'l girl, put 'em to the test;

What? A post?

I didn't die, though I have been very neglectful of this little blog. There was a lot going on, through school, work, and personally.

It's funny to me to look back at this time last summer. How oblivious I was. I was still healing (and still am, if I'm completely honest), and I had so much help from my wonderful friends and Matt licking my wounds and moving on.

Spring was this flurry of quick-paced classes and work. And then the metaphorical shit hit the fan, so to speak, and I moved out. How I managed a job promotion, 17 units, 40 hours at work, moving, and then helping my mom to move I don't know. Some very powerful emotional strength and support. And very little sleep.

So now I have completed summer classes in which I am extremely happy to say that I am DONE with general education requirements. Meaning, I just have to finish my major and I am OUT of city college. 4 years later, and I can finally say I have some direction in my life academically. RELIEF.

Now all I have is fall and next spring and I am transferring out, and with fingers crossed, transferring out of Sacramento. Another huge and exciting relief, believe me. It means (hopefully) quitting my job to pursue a field that I happen to be in love with and have loved ever since I could remember. Why I fought against that as a career option is baffling even to me (actually, it's not. A nice little summation: I was a huge people pleaser and wanted to make everyone happy by being whatever they approved of at the time). So come October it'll be state university application time. Scary stuff, folks. (Change is good, Tara. Must keep this in mind).

Other than the mundane academic stuff, life has gotten somewhat. . . more manageable within the last couple weeks. Just trying to remember to breathe mostly (I won't bore anyone the details of my personal life).

But I am okay. I am here. I am still alive and living.

Upcoming events:

• Bodega Bay with friends and family
• much needed catching up on my reading list (15 books down, 25 to go!)
• a MUCH MUCH needed vacation
• possibly Warped Tour
• a new vehicle
• R-E-L-A-X-A-T-I-O-N

living is easy with eyes closed (misunderstanding all you see);

And 5 months later I post again! It's not that I haven't had anything to say, just that I've been busy, and let's be honest, I'm not entirely comfortable posting every little nuance of my day-to-day life. It just gets so dull! (Though, for the record, I have no scruples about reading into other people's lives. It's like a nice little break from my own personal reality.)

2009 has been, by far, one of the busiest, craziest, awesomest and best years of my short existence! Reflecting to this time last year, everything seems so much more stable and much more exciting. I have a much clearer perspective on reality and know what I want from myself and my future (near and far). I know what I am capable of and what I need to do and have in my life to make me happiest. I've grown this year; become more of a person I'm content to be. I've realized and seen my faults, dealt with my insecurities as best I could, and coped with the folly of others and myself. Most importantly, I've learned to laugh at myself and at others; to not let their mistakes be my mistakes; and to just breathe and let things go, I can't win every time.

That being said, I've made a lot of personal choices this year. I chose to let a lot of "friends" go, while still strengthening my relationship with others to the point of calling them my sisters. We have each other's backs, and for the first time ever I feel as though I have gained something more from these silly, relentless, understanding, fantastic girls: Loyalty. A whole new concept to me, I've never had much luck when it came to obtaining and keeping acquaintences with other females. We've just never gotten on or liked one another. Yet with these 3, the laughs never end, the trust never waivers, and there's always someone there to pick up the other end of the line when your hearts gets broken, or you're so excited they can't understand a word coming out of your mouth, or you just need to vent and bitch about the unfairness of life. There's always time for a margarita and sushi with these ladies, and I adore each of them with all of my heart.


As to the ones I dropped all ties with, I'm better off. I'm a happier person without them, and life has become much easier since all connections were lost. Do I regret my decisions to forgoe any further attempts at a friendship? No. Am I sorry for the way things ended? Of course. It's always sad to lose someone you once confided in and hung out with and made weekend plans with. It's a bummer that things don't work out, but for the most part the friendship was in vain, or entirely one sided. I don't see much point in wasting time on someone who only thinks of themself, or speaks only of their own problems incessantly and never once in 2 years stopped to ask how you were. And to place the blame of the ending of the friendship on someone else is juvenile and, to be perfectly honest, hypocritical. I made the choice to discontinue it, not someone else. As to my spending more time with that someone else, that was also my choice, but nothing unlike what that "friend" had done previously. And the others I cut ties with, those too were my decisions and ones I don't regret either. More juvenile, high school melodrama to be avoided in the future.

I also stumbled into one of the best things that has ever happened to me (as cheesy as that sounds): I started dating this terrific guy who gave me space and time, "got" my awkwardness, and makes me exceedingly estatic. I'll refrain from all the barf-worthy giggliness of finding someone whom I care about much and love. I will say this: He brought me back from the dead. Other than my bestest best friends, this guy slowly revived me by making me feel again, and alleviated the majority of the bitterness that comes from loss and grief in a way that no one else ever could. He makes me laugh like no one else can, listens to my nerdy ramblings about books/school/music/movies, pays for my Taco Bell (and other food, naturally), and just "gets" my personality. Within 6 short, yet glorious months, I went from completely unsure about this guy to not being able to live without him. I depend on him in so many, mostly emotional, ways and he takes care of me. I look forward to spending 2010 with him.

I accomplished a lot academically this year as well: Finally found a subject I'm not only interested in, but passionate about (as well as excelling in, but I don't mean to brag. :) ). I found my calling in art history. It all makes perfect sense now. I've always had a geeky fondness and interest in history, while at the same time finding myself drawn to art and the artists themselves. Bingo! This is why I go to college....

I listened to a lot of awesome new tunes, while also having a soft spot for my old favorites as well. 2008 was more of my year for music, however. I can only recall being obsessed with 3 or 4 albums this year. Those being (off the top of my head): Lily Allen - It's Not Me, It's You, Mandy Moore - Amanda Leigh, The New Moon Soundtrack, Franz Ferdinand - (I can't even recall the official title of this album, but it stayed in my car for weeks) Tonight, and the Jonas Brothers - Lines, Vines, and Trying Times (yes, I added the beloved teen-y JoBros to my top albums. Again, it was a slow year for music for me.).

I was more into movie going and watching than anything else this year, and with my new beau it was like the cinema employees knew us on a first name basis. In total, I went and saw around 26 movies. The most I've ever gone to the movies in one year, believe me! There were the ones I couldn't wait for (New Moon, Harry Potter, Sherlock Holmes, Time Traveler's Wife, etc), and the ones I could've waited to come out to DVD (9, Funny People, The Ugly Truth, Wolverine, 17 Again). But all in all, I think I am well equipped for the forthcoming 2010 Oscar's!

I was also very preoccupied with reading. I had set the goal of reading 30 books in one year for myself, and I achieved it (though admittedly I counted books I had to read for classes into the final total [not textbooks, just regular books, like Shakespeare or the resources I used for the Mesoamerica/Andean art history paper I never wrote]). Books that blew my mind: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, The Lovely Bones, Sense and Sensibility, The Duchess, The Sound of My Voice, Frankenstein, Revolutionary Road, The Doctor's Wife, Handle with Care, and all the new Shakespeare I read. Books I could've lived without: Fight Club, Julie and Julia, Slaughterhouse Five, and the chick-lit I allowed myself to read.

Overall, 2009 was an amazing year and many vacations and trips were made. May I went to Vegas, June to Bodega Bay, July to Tahoe and to the bay area for No Doubt, and August brought another trip to Bodega Bay.

I have much to be thankful for, and even more to look forward to in 2010. I've set for myself the goal of reading 40 books, which should be interesting/relaxing/enlightening since the majority of the books have been sitting on my shelf for years. The ones I most look forward to: The Year of Magical Thinking, the Dark Tower series, Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters, Anna Karenina, Wuthering Heights, the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and much, much more! I'm also excited for the new albums coming out (Motion City Soundtrack's My Dinosaur Life and She & Him's Volume Two, just to name 2). Not to mention movies (part 1 of the final Harry Potter film, Eclipse, etc).

And of course, more awesome hangs with the best friends anyone could ask for, more trips and shananigans, and more growth and discovery.

I can't wait!

all i need is a compass, and a willing accomplice;

Oh where, oh where have I been, dear blog?

Having a very wicked awesome summer, thanks.

It isn't at all like I thought it'd be (I've cut ties with some friends who were part of Big Plans. It was for the better.) So there was no trip for San Francisco with P and no camping with P and no late night Rock Band jam sessions. Nevertheless, it didn't dampen my spirits or my Summer of Awesome.

June (sometime after that last post) I bought my one of my Besties tickets to the No Doubt concert at the end of July. After handing her her ticket and the birthday card I bought her for her LAST birthday and lost in the move, many squeals were had and plans made for a camping trip of our own with another Bestie and my mom. So we packed up my car, and made the 2 hour drive to Bodega Bay for 3 days and just lounged on the beach (I really need to get the pictures developed from this trip [yes, I am THAT lazy]). We came home, and not even a week went by before I met this Boy.

Okay, technically I've known him. I work with him, but I was completely oblivious to him (and my crush on him and his on me). Anyway, Boy and I started talking/texting and before I knew it we had to plans to hang out (I'm too much of a pessimist to want to get my hopes up and think it was a date, even though deep down I was hoping that's what it was. He recently admited to not wanting it to be a DATE date either, because what if it didn't work out? What if I was just into being friends? What if I wasn't interested in him? I think we're a good match: pessimists at heart). So we went to the movies and saw Public Enemies; he insisted he pay (DATE DATE DATE why didn't I see it yet???) and I let him (I got lectured by K about this when she came over to do my make-up beforehand, because I am THAT clueless about dating and boys and what-have-you). And afterward we went to Denny's and made small talk and apparently had some awkward silences (I have no recollection of "awkward" silences. Only he does). He dropped me off at my car at work (because I wasn't so sure of him driving to my house just yet. You never know!), and I awkwardly hugged him goodnight (this I do remember being awkward seeing as to how I am not a very physically affectionate person) and thanked him again.

Flashforward about an hour and K is sitting in my room giggling as I tried to unravel and analyze everything said/done, hoping against hope that maybe something would come of this really surreal thing that only happens on Lifetime Movie Network (in retrospect, it really was the sweetest first date, even though I don't think either of us considered it a DATE date until later). As I sit and replay the entire evening from the moment I got into his car to the moment I hugged him weirdly, my phones goes off. One New Message. It's from Boy, telling me he had fun. And stupidily, without really thinking, I reply asking when the next date is. D'oh. But it's okay, because everything worked out anyway.

That was June. July comes in thick and the only thing L and I can think about is No Doubt in 20 days...15 days...4 days.... It was, hands down, The Best Show Ever. It was AMAZING. I've never lost myself to the music as I did on that night. Jumping, screaming, singing, dancing. All this in a sold out stadium with one of the most amazing friends a girl could ever hope for. Not much else occured in July, just that not-so-horrid modern art history class. (I got an A, in case anyone's wondering.) All the while I'm still dating Boy and liking him more and more and wondering how much more of I dork I could be.

August started out hot and muggy. One more camping trip to the beach later and a trip to the Boy's hometown up in Lake Tahoe later, and I'm "preparing" to go back to school full time Monday (all this really means is I'm sitting on my butt as much as possible and finishing my book list, texting all I want, and napping in between).

I'm the most content I've ever been. I have the most amazing group of friends and 3 of the world's most tolerating and crazy Besties anyone could ask for. And I have this new person in my life that I'm terrified yet exhilirated to be around and who genuinely likes sitting on a couch with me watching cheesy DVDs all day. Hmm.

Let's just hope that my optimism (GASP) sticks around long enough for me to get through this next semester. Fingers crossed.

don't you remember when I was a bird and you were a map?;

It looks like a blog a month is about all I can muster outof myself. I used to be an exceptional blogger, laying it out for all to see. I guess I've finally defined what is okay to share with everyone and what is best kept to myself.

So here I sit on my last free day before school starts back up Monday, and I've already sat in the warm California sun long enough to feel nice and toasty without burning and read (rereading the entire Harry Potter series. I tried to sit and reread the sixth book since the film for it comes out next month, but that didn't go too well considering I spent the first 3 chapters trying to remember what happened in the previous five books. Back to the beginning it is). My modern art history class commences Monday, and I must say I'm really not looking forward to going back to school. I don't know if it is because I've been working nonstop for the last 2 weeks, or because my first week off was spent in Las Vegas, or maybe I'm just sick of school, but my break definitely has not been long enough. I crave the structure and routine that school brings, but I'm not completely prepared to sit for 2 hours every morning, 4 days a week, for 6 weeks, listening to someone lecture about Warhol and Lichtenstein. I enjoy my solitude and silence too much.

Vegas, to put it mildly, was amazing. I loved every minute of it, and everyday since I left I've been missing the dry heat and the absence of an agenda.

Aside from Vegas, the most exiting thing I can report is that Tuesday I sat for 2 1/2 hours waiting at Les Schwabb getting new tires and a new battery. I'm taking better care of my poor car. The last week has been about taking care of a lot of crap I've been putting off. And today I put off getting my oil changed in the morning, so now I just have to pick up my check and deposit it. Pay my phone bill, and for the Bestie's belated birthday present, and my parking pass for school. Why must everything revolve around my paychecks? I'm not feeling very nice about my hard earned money lately.

Okay, enough rambling. I'll (try) to update more often, even if it is to give some opinion of my recent readings, which include:

• Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
• Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
• Wuthering Heights (will I ever finish this book???)
• (eventually) 1984

I finally finished Revolutionary Road after nearly 5 months of reading it. And Catch Me If You Can I finshed right after it. I'm hoping now that I've finished rereading Libba Bray's series A Great and Terrible Beauty I can get down to some serious reading (with the exception of the HP series, I plan on not rereading any books until I complete the stack I have yet to start/finish).

All right, enough. I'm out!

I've got these friends in quotes;

Here's to procrastination and being reminded of every reason why I hate my job.

We have this manager who is a Major Douche. He's a big baby, and we all wonder how he managed to get himself a top-dog position (we stil don't know, but he is most definitely not fit for the job). For the last month, every night that I've closed, he's the been the closing manager. There's only so much of him I can take before I get absolutely annoyed with him, and last night was it. I can't wait until I close with someone who isn't him. I'm counting down the days.

Deep breath. Other than the work annoyance, everything has been somewhat okay. Definitely feeling the stress of finals and the end of the semester right about now. I still have a paper for Shakespeare on the use of disguise throughout his plays and then another on whether Victor Frankenstein can be considered a hero or a villian (6 pages on that crap. Joy.). Summer can't come soon enough.

One art history class which I am taking with the Bestie and it's just 6 weeks. Then it's time for the Summer of Awesome to commence. Camping trips, concerts and shows, and sweet late-night hangs involving some of the greatest people I've ever known and Rock Band.

The last week of finals is going to be the beginning of absolute mayhem. I leave for Vegas the night after finals, and I get back Saturday. Then the weekend before summer courses start, I'll be in San Francisco with P. School and work for 6 weeks, then my summer can really start. Can't. Wait.

Alright. Time to go hunting through the interwebs and my books to begin citing passages for (super lame) papers. I've got Starbucks and nothing better to do.

you broke the rules, you laid it down for all to see;

Whoops. I officially am the worst blogger ever. What have I been up to, you may ponder. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I had every intention of updating (even if just briefly) last week, during my spring break. As you can see, that obviously didn't happen. Is it possible to be busy with nothing? I think it is.

I made a list for myself of everything I had hoped to get done last week for school (which included reading and finishing 3 books, writing 4 papers, and getting ahead on my chapter outlines), and all that I could force myself to do was one chapter outline and finishing Frankenstein. What the hell did I do with myself for a week if that's all I managed to complete for school? I worked. I hung out with some awesome people. I slept. I sat on my bum all day watching reruns of LOST seasons past and watching Twilight on DVD. And in between all of that nothing, I finally painted the inside of my closet and put my bookcase together. I set up my DVD shelves. My room actually looks lived in now. It's incredible.

My first week back from break was supposed to be me writing those papers (or at least outlining/drafting them) and finishing Revolutionary Road (yeah, I know. I'm still reading it. I've been procrastinating). None of that happened. Instead I got bombarded with MORE work. Next week in French is going to be absolute hell. We have the chapter 9 exam Monday and then Wednesday is our in class composition in which we write in the past tense about our lives today in comparison with the lives of our grandparents. Great. Just what I want to discuss.

And on that note, I've been having a lot of inside conversations with myself lately. A lot of reflection and remembering that led me to the conclusion that I still think of him everyday, and every moment I find myself thinking about him I miss him more and more. And the only reason I haven't fallen apart again is because I won't let myself; there's too much at stake now for me to lose if I let myself just crumble. I may appear happier and better on the outside (and maybe I really am, maybe I'm strong enough to cope with all this grief after all), that all I've done also is gotten better at denying and hiding and burying and ignoring how hurt I still am. I'm not as angry, but I'm still just as hurt. The anger is what set in after the numbness went away, and even though it would be completely melodramatic of me to say that I can't feel anything anymore, what I mean is in comparison to that anger and hatred all other feelings are weak and not as strongly felt.

Anyway. That was a brief update. Now back to getting over my cold and listening to MCS.

there is nowhere you can hide from the lessons learned or the lies that bind them;

I am way too lazy to write anything of real sustance, so here's a list summarizing the Life of Tara:

1) WAY too much homework/studying/exhaustion
2) hangs with the bestest friends
3) work, work, work and -oh yeah- more work
4) deep thinking on where I will/want to be in 5 years/ltos of contemplating my navel/trying to figure out the meaning of my life
5) thinking of my Angry Phase over last summer and how that was the last time I really actually felt anything real
6) missing said Angry Phase because I could actually feel something, even if it was a negative emotion
7) also missing drawing beaucoup because it took immense amounts of concentration, which is one of many things I seem to be lacking
8) reading Revolutionary Road and Othello simultaneously (not such a good idea, by the way)
9) havig very bizarre dreams involving D, LOST and my old apartment. What?!?!

Just a brief summary, mind. And yes, I totally outlined this blog out last night in a notebook and in neon purple ink to boot!

And coming attractions:

1) work, work, work
2) a poetry comparison analysis paper whose draft is due Tuesday
3) a humanities midterm Thursday
4) more dull and further confusing studies of Confucionism
5) more Othello and Iago's inspiring brilliance at villianry
6) furhter financial ruin
7) more fialings in the French language (why must I fail so hardcore at it?! I took it all 4 years of high school and studied it a few semesters ago! Whyyy must I despise it so???)
8) more hangs with the bestests AND awesome rockig out jam sessions to Rockband!!!

Yeah, I have a totally lame life. I've come to accept that.