I am the laziest girl ever.
I didn't go to French yesterday, that is to say, with the help of sleep aid, I didn't wake up until noon. I checked my phone like I always do after eating breakfast, and I had two new texts. One from P and one from D. Reading D's totally bummed me out. "I want to see you again. But I have to be honest: I intend to undress you." Umm, yeah. So all that avoidance of that topic the week prior was farce? He only started to talk to me again to sleep with me again. What he didn't take into account with that piggish text was that I am not who I used to be. I don't thrive off of male attention to feel happy and good about myself as I used to. And with that said my reply went something like this: "I knew that's what you wanted. Thanks for the honesty but I don't want it. I know it'll end up just like the other times and it is just not worth it to me. I deserve more." I sent that over 24 hours ago, and have gotten no response. I highly doubt that I will. All he wanted of me was sex, and when I denied him that, he has no more purpose to me. I'm hoping this is the last I will have to hear from him in a very long time.
Now, I have my reasons for telling him no. Several reasons, in facts. 1) I would always be the one driving out to see him. Do you know how much gas has gone up? Between driving to and from school 4 days a week, making the trips out to the gym, and work, I barely have enough gas to get me where I have to go. So the one sided driving thing is a definite con. 2) In previous times, it hadn't been that good or worth the trip. And by it, I mean the sex. 3) I have enough to contend with lately without heaving on top of all that a boy, even if he is unattached. That's still a couple of hours I could be using to be doing thigs I actually like, such as reading, having dinner with my mom, or seeing people who do actually care about me. 4) The biggest, heaviest con on the list of all. The emotional part of it. I may not be in love with him or like him, but I do get a little jealous if I'm with a guy and he's talking about other girls as I'm with him. I don't need that. I don't need the insecurity right now of wondering if this trip will be the last one, and if it is, how long it will be before he talks to me again.
Overall, what I've realized is this: I don't need him. The past year and a half we haven't spoken has proven this to me. I function much better without him around. And when I say I deserve more, I mean I deserve to actually be with a guy who wants me, and not just for my body.
And that is the end of D.
Today I had a dentist appointment (again). My last one until my cleaning in May, I hope. It went by pretty fast and as I was waiting for the numbness to spread, I finally finished Slaughter House Five. Dear god, it was an easy read, but I just didn't have the time to actually read it. I'm still reading about 75 pages a night for school. That doesn't leave much room for hobby reading.
When I got home, I had every intention of finishing Fellowship of the Ring (when I couldn't get to sleep last night, I started watching it. I made it through to the last half of the second disc before I passed out), but my mother was home and had some news to tell me. Believe me, there is a reason why I have Motion City Soundtrack's Everything is Alright as my ringtone for when my mom calls. She hasn't been delivering happy news in the last year, and I expected the worst. But I was glad to be wrong this time. An appraiser is coming out to the house in the morning to re-evaluate the value of our home and adjust our mortgage rate. Translation: We won't be moving for a while yet. Hopefully we won't have to.
And now I am off to scrub our kitchen because, dear gawd, it's awful in there and is dying for some TLC: Tender Loving Cleaning.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
the sun is out the sky is blue/it's beautiful and so are you;
Oh, insomnia, how you are the very bane of my existence. For the last couple of nights I have been completely unable to fall asleep, and stay asleep while I'm at it. Why? Don't you kow I love you, sleep? And that I miss you and the wonderful sleep habits I acquired during winter break terribly?
Okay, I guess I can recap on my weekend.
Saturday was P's birthday. I was sleep deprived (I worked 2-11 Friday and had to be up by 7:30 the next morning to be to work by 9. Ha.) and not feeling at all sociable, but I went anyway. I had an okay time. Got completely sick from the food (note to self: never eat at Chevy's again), but other than that it was okay.
Sunday I worked 8:30 to 12:30, again sleep deprived. I had every intention of going home and takig a serious nap before hitting the gym, but I just could not fall asleep to save my life. So I stayed awake surfed the web, and watched "The Life of David Gale" (which I keep calling Henry Gale and couldn't figure out why until last night: LOST). Did cardio for 15 minutes, and then a full hour of pilates before going home to crash. What wishful thinking on my part.
My iPod died at the gym, so I went over to my laptop, turned it on. And nothing happened. It clicked on for 3 seconds and then shut itself back off. What the...??? So I played with the cord for over an hour, got really pissed off, and high jacked my mom's PC for hours looking for a new laptop. My Dell is a piece of maneuer, and it deeply saddens me. I bought a new power cord for it, paid the extra 16 bucks for express shipping and got it in today. Luckily it worked and it only set me back $90 (meaning my income tax moolah is diminished and I won't be able to pay as much off of my credit card as I had hoped). Still, it's cheaper than the $1300 macbook pro I was oogling, and the $1700 Sony vaio I was dreaming of, and the HP Pavilion I was stalking for 2 hours. I need to learn to be frugal and save my hard earned cash to pay off my debt and be able to buy myself a new snazzy laptop that doesn't infuriate me with its incompetence. Anyway, it turned on loaded itself up, and I was thrilled to have it back. Until I tried logging onto IE and having the AT&T message announcing my Internet was having an issue. Translation: My mom forgot to pay the bill again. Fortunately, it only took two calls this time to get it up and running. And no call what-so-ever to the router company! Made me very very glad we threw out our Netgear piece of crap months ago and upgrder to something better (and whose customer service speaks clear, distinct English).
That was today, er, Tuesday. Back to Sunday: In my frustration, I texted D asking about his HP laptop. The conversation soon veered to hanging out Monday, since neither of us had class and didn't work until late evening. Don't ask me why, but I agreed. So Monday afternoon I drove the 45 minutes to his apartment and he made me lunch and we discussed music philosophy, and many more nonsensical topics. I irritated him with my erratic song changing, and I came to the realization that I am over him and that he bores me to death. I wouldn't mid hanging out again, but he just has nothing to hook me with. I haven't quite decided if it was me who changed or him, or perhaps both of us, but the dynamic of our relationship has definitely fizzled. No sexual tension of any kind, and with the exception of a few flirtatious comments, I say it is definitely safe to be around him. Old habits eventually die in this case, thank God.
So that was my Monday. And now I am on to my Wednesday and unable to sleep, yet again. I must be up by 7:30. Perhaps I shall ditch French, though it would put me way behind considering it's a two hour class that meets only twice a week. I wish this old habit would die already.
Okay, I guess I can recap on my weekend.
Saturday was P's birthday. I was sleep deprived (I worked 2-11 Friday and had to be up by 7:30 the next morning to be to work by 9. Ha.) and not feeling at all sociable, but I went anyway. I had an okay time. Got completely sick from the food (note to self: never eat at Chevy's again), but other than that it was okay.
Sunday I worked 8:30 to 12:30, again sleep deprived. I had every intention of going home and takig a serious nap before hitting the gym, but I just could not fall asleep to save my life. So I stayed awake surfed the web, and watched "The Life of David Gale" (which I keep calling Henry Gale and couldn't figure out why until last night: LOST). Did cardio for 15 minutes, and then a full hour of pilates before going home to crash. What wishful thinking on my part.
My iPod died at the gym, so I went over to my laptop, turned it on. And nothing happened. It clicked on for 3 seconds and then shut itself back off. What the...??? So I played with the cord for over an hour, got really pissed off, and high jacked my mom's PC for hours looking for a new laptop. My Dell is a piece of maneuer, and it deeply saddens me. I bought a new power cord for it, paid the extra 16 bucks for express shipping and got it in today. Luckily it worked and it only set me back $90 (meaning my income tax moolah is diminished and I won't be able to pay as much off of my credit card as I had hoped). Still, it's cheaper than the $1300 macbook pro I was oogling, and the $1700 Sony vaio I was dreaming of, and the HP Pavilion I was stalking for 2 hours. I need to learn to be frugal and save my hard earned cash to pay off my debt and be able to buy myself a new snazzy laptop that doesn't infuriate me with its incompetence. Anyway, it turned on loaded itself up, and I was thrilled to have it back. Until I tried logging onto IE and having the AT&T message announcing my Internet was having an issue. Translation: My mom forgot to pay the bill again. Fortunately, it only took two calls this time to get it up and running. And no call what-so-ever to the router company! Made me very very glad we threw out our Netgear piece of crap months ago and upgrder to something better (and whose customer service speaks clear, distinct English).
That was today, er, Tuesday. Back to Sunday: In my frustration, I texted D asking about his HP laptop. The conversation soon veered to hanging out Monday, since neither of us had class and didn't work until late evening. Don't ask me why, but I agreed. So Monday afternoon I drove the 45 minutes to his apartment and he made me lunch and we discussed music philosophy, and many more nonsensical topics. I irritated him with my erratic song changing, and I came to the realization that I am over him and that he bores me to death. I wouldn't mid hanging out again, but he just has nothing to hook me with. I haven't quite decided if it was me who changed or him, or perhaps both of us, but the dynamic of our relationship has definitely fizzled. No sexual tension of any kind, and with the exception of a few flirtatious comments, I say it is definitely safe to be around him. Old habits eventually die in this case, thank God.
So that was my Monday. And now I am on to my Wednesday and unable to sleep, yet again. I must be up by 7:30. Perhaps I shall ditch French, though it would put me way behind considering it's a two hour class that meets only twice a week. I wish this old habit would die already.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
when you see my face, hope it gives you hell;
Why, oh why, can I not sleep? I didn't get to sleep until about 1 last night, was up at 7 this morning. Woke up every hour, on the hour. Came home from work at 12:30 with every intention of napping and doing homework, only to not be able to get to sleep. At all. So now not only am I absolutely exhausted and ready to collapse, I'm cranky because I can't effing sleep. What gives???
In other sad, pathetic news I have no clue how to navigate myself around facebook. Nope. Not one bit. Why does it have to be so complicated?
After two weeks of laziness and being stood up/cancelled on by P, I made it to the gym all by myself yesterday evening after work. Ha. Valentine's Day was very productive for me. I got off work, got cash out, found out my income tax went through, came home, paid bills, made white chocolate covered strawberries for my mom, made brownies for a girl I used to babysit whose birthday it was, went to the gym for over an hour doing cardio, showered and got ready to go out for P's birthday dinner, and then went to said dinner. Oh, and I got blown off by my so-called best friend M because he was with his girlfriend. I suppose now is as good a time as any to explain the dynamics of our friendship.
Up until our senior year of high school, M and I despised one another (though he later admitted that he secretly always liked me). His then girlfriend, my then best friend, was brewing drama between us, telling lies to each of us about the other, etc. So when she broke up with him, we actually started talking and discovered that we had mroe in common than just our relationship to the she-beast. And that's how our friendship began.
It was off and on that we'd hang out for about 2 years after graduation, and then toward the end of last November, he starts calling and texting more. I see more of him than I had in the last 2 years. I find out he's leaving for the military in February, and that seems to make it that much more crucial to see each other as much as possible. There was a point there where we literally talked every day to each other, saw each other about twice a week. And then a couple of weeks ago he calls me to tell me he broke up with his girlfriend, PB (not peanut butter).
Even though I was extremely exhausted and had a stack of reading to do before class the next morning, I went and hung out with him for a couple of hours, just letting him talk. Come to find out, there's another girl. I tried to support him in his choice, but something just wasn't sitting right with me. I ignored it. Until the next day when he tried to get me to go over to his place and sleep with him. It's this on going tension between us, and he's always wanted to (even when he was with PB and their relationship was still pretty solid) and I've always said no. And this time I was able to tell him why: I didn't want to be settled for. I deserve to be wanted, and not just sexually/physically (that was the night of my pity-party-post).
When D messaged me, I texted M and talked to him about it. A few days later I texted him again saying I needed his advice. It went unresponded to and ignored. So last night I tried again and I got completely blown off. I, of course, was pissed and left him an angry message along the lines of, "I'm so glad we're still friends." When that got no response, I called K from work and we talked for over an hour (hence why I didn't get to sleep till 1). When I woke up this morning there was a message from M saying that we still were (friends), what's up? and in my still half asleep total zombie state I managed to text back, "It doesn't feel like it." That was at 7:05 this morning. I haven't heard from him. Am I still really pissed off? Yes, and it's likely I will for a while.
I mean, why get close to me and make me think we had a pretty solid friendship only to skip out on me and ignore me because of some other girl. Who, I forgot to mention, is only 18, still in high school, and broke up with her last boyfriend (who was also in teh military) 3 weeks after he left. So right now I am thoroughly through with it all, M can have his little Lolita.
Guys suck. Another Valentine's Day in which this is completely emphasized and reiterrated.
Now I am off to go get ready for the gym so I can sulk through an hour of pilates. Tonight will be spent writing papers/reading and (hopefully) catching up on sleep. Hurray for dead presidents and Mondays off!
In other sad, pathetic news I have no clue how to navigate myself around facebook. Nope. Not one bit. Why does it have to be so complicated?
After two weeks of laziness and being stood up/cancelled on by P, I made it to the gym all by myself yesterday evening after work. Ha. Valentine's Day was very productive for me. I got off work, got cash out, found out my income tax went through, came home, paid bills, made white chocolate covered strawberries for my mom, made brownies for a girl I used to babysit whose birthday it was, went to the gym for over an hour doing cardio, showered and got ready to go out for P's birthday dinner, and then went to said dinner. Oh, and I got blown off by my so-called best friend M because he was with his girlfriend. I suppose now is as good a time as any to explain the dynamics of our friendship.
Up until our senior year of high school, M and I despised one another (though he later admitted that he secretly always liked me). His then girlfriend, my then best friend, was brewing drama between us, telling lies to each of us about the other, etc. So when she broke up with him, we actually started talking and discovered that we had mroe in common than just our relationship to the she-beast. And that's how our friendship began.
It was off and on that we'd hang out for about 2 years after graduation, and then toward the end of last November, he starts calling and texting more. I see more of him than I had in the last 2 years. I find out he's leaving for the military in February, and that seems to make it that much more crucial to see each other as much as possible. There was a point there where we literally talked every day to each other, saw each other about twice a week. And then a couple of weeks ago he calls me to tell me he broke up with his girlfriend, PB (not peanut butter).
Even though I was extremely exhausted and had a stack of reading to do before class the next morning, I went and hung out with him for a couple of hours, just letting him talk. Come to find out, there's another girl. I tried to support him in his choice, but something just wasn't sitting right with me. I ignored it. Until the next day when he tried to get me to go over to his place and sleep with him. It's this on going tension between us, and he's always wanted to (even when he was with PB and their relationship was still pretty solid) and I've always said no. And this time I was able to tell him why: I didn't want to be settled for. I deserve to be wanted, and not just sexually/physically (that was the night of my pity-party-post).
When D messaged me, I texted M and talked to him about it. A few days later I texted him again saying I needed his advice. It went unresponded to and ignored. So last night I tried again and I got completely blown off. I, of course, was pissed and left him an angry message along the lines of, "I'm so glad we're still friends." When that got no response, I called K from work and we talked for over an hour (hence why I didn't get to sleep till 1). When I woke up this morning there was a message from M saying that we still were (friends), what's up? and in my still half asleep total zombie state I managed to text back, "It doesn't feel like it." That was at 7:05 this morning. I haven't heard from him. Am I still really pissed off? Yes, and it's likely I will for a while.
I mean, why get close to me and make me think we had a pretty solid friendship only to skip out on me and ignore me because of some other girl. Who, I forgot to mention, is only 18, still in high school, and broke up with her last boyfriend (who was also in teh military) 3 weeks after he left. So right now I am thoroughly through with it all, M can have his little Lolita.
Guys suck. Another Valentine's Day in which this is completely emphasized and reiterrated.
Now I am off to go get ready for the gym so I can sulk through an hour of pilates. Tonight will be spent writing papers/reading and (hopefully) catching up on sleep. Hurray for dead presidents and Mondays off!
Friday, February 13, 2009
I'm addicted to words and they're useless (in this department);
Okay, so I caved and texted D two days ago. The conversation started off innocent enough, and by the end of it last night, I just asked him straight out why he started talking to me again and what he meant by hanging out (because that's what it was coming around to, and I knew it). I don't like to think of myself as a stupid girl who dumbs herself down even further for a guy's attention, and I've learned more about guys by this point in my life to know that they don't just randomly message you to chat. And of course he avoided the question, saying that I knew he was just a boring guy who likes to watch movies. I know this about him is true, but I also know that in the istory of knowing each other, we have never been the kind of people who just sit and watch a movie together. After mch pondering, I have reached this conclusion: Iam perfectly okay being friends with him, I am okay with hanging out. What I am not okay with is "hanging out", if you catch my drift. So apparenlty sometime next week we're supposed to hang out, though I don't expect him to text me about it any time soon conidering my forwardness with him. He said he was avoiding that question, and I asked him why. I don't think he knows what he wants any more than I do (though I do know that I will regret stariting anything with him).
In other news, I have to go back to the dentist on Thursday. I chipped one of my bottom I teeth about a year ago, and all was fine until the filling on the tooth next to it fell out Tuesday night at dinner with my mom. So now I have to go back, and it makes me sad. It's like I'm dommed to forever be having problems with my teeth. This is why you should go every six months, folks.
I worked 2 to 11 today, and then I go back first thing at 9 tomorrow morning, so I suppose I should cut this short and get myself to bed. Peace out.
In other news, I have to go back to the dentist on Thursday. I chipped one of my bottom I teeth about a year ago, and all was fine until the filling on the tooth next to it fell out Tuesday night at dinner with my mom. So now I have to go back, and it makes me sad. It's like I'm dommed to forever be having problems with my teeth. This is why you should go every six months, folks.
I worked 2 to 11 today, and then I go back first thing at 9 tomorrow morning, so I suppose I should cut this short and get myself to bed. Peace out.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
you're through killing me with all your facts and late night therapy;
I haven't been to the gym since two Saturdays ago. I feel like a lump on a log, and in the week and a half I haven't been I've gained two pounds. I'm supposed to be going tonight with P after she gets back from dinner with her family. Lately it feels like we've had this complete disconnect between us, like we just can't stand the other. Our silences aren't as comfortable and easy-going as they once were. After all, she was the one to tell me last Thursday that I've been really negative the last week or so. Today was a definite improvement over that, and Saturday night is her birthday (I've heard the horror stories about having a birthday on V-Day from her many a time, and I do not envy her). It's her 21st birthday, and it will definitely be a ton of fun. The perfect way to end my odd, stressful week.
In my last post I mentioned the bizarre dream I'd had after falling asleep reading Slaughter House Five, and the last two days have definitely been bizarre realities.
I logged onto to my Myspace last night (procrastinating of course) to find that I had a new message. Thinking it was from my friend K from work, I clicked to read it only to find that it wasn't from K at all. It was from someone I wasn't expecting at all. My ex has decided our mutual silence should end, and had messaged me saying that he's "been thinking about [me] a lot lately" and wondering how "life is treating" me. I mean, this was a fairly extensive message compared to something like, "hey, what's up?". He mentioned that he doesn't internet at his place anymore and then said he lost my number or some such hoorah and proceeded to give me his cell number. He left it completely up to me to reply and actually talk. I am torn between quinching my curiousity and seeing what he wants and just continuing on with my life D-free. I mean, I want to talk to him again, I really feel like we possibly ended things on a negative vibe (the last time I spoke with him was through AIM and my dad had just died. I asked if he still lived at the same address as he had 5 months prior because I was sending him his book back I had borrowed. Before that I hadn't spoken to him in months.) and I don't want to leave that negativity hanging there. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and hope that he really is looking to make amends and just catch up. I want so badly to hope that is just all he wants. But then the negative part of my mind argues that if I get involved with him again I'll just end up being an idiot and letting him hurt me again. I'm unsure how to proceed from here. Thinking about it obviously isn't helping. And who's to say that if I do text or message him back he'll actually reply back to me? Then the jokes on me and I'm bummed because I was stupid enough to hope to reconcile things. My two opposing hemispheres need to agree on something for once. But one thing is for sure: No matter who of my friends I've asked, they've all agreed that I should not respond to him. I don't know if I'm that strong.
Second really bizarre thing to happen: I'm sitting in humanities and my mom texts me (yes, I taught her how to text, and yes she abuses it) saying that she had a surprise visit from my uncle at work. There's a background as to why his visit was such a surprise. November 2007 my "dad" (really my mom's dad, but he's the only father figure I've ever had and I called him dad until I was about 5) passed away, and when that happened it literally tore my family apart, both physically and emotionally. Out of his 5 kids, none of them really kept on good terms with the other. The one thing I saw about my family after his death was that they are greedy, selfish beings who only give a shit about themselves. Period. My mom's only sister has been estranged from the family for years prior to my dad's death, but suddenly she's able to come down from Montana for a visit when she hears he's in the hospital dying. My uncle M had power of attorney over him and since he for the most part was on morphine and being kept alive by life support, it was my uncle's decision on what to do. My uncle D and my mother had always been close, and they're relationship has basically only strengthened from all that drama. My uncle B. . . well, let's just say he went with whatever my uncle M and aunt D had to say. Only recently did my mom and uncle M reconcile enough to be civil to one another. So last Wednesday when I came home from class to find the notice of auction sale Scotch taped to our front door, it was also posted about in the local news paper. With my mom's name listed by it. Not even kidding. We had no notice or warning that they were not only going to put that in the paper, but also slap our last name next to it. Needless to say, neither one of us was happy. Naturally everyone in my family saw it (my mom called them before and personally apologized and explained to each of them what was up and that we were trying to keep the house, not just laying here letting them take it again). So my uncle M went into my mom's work today to tell her personally that he refuses to let her ( us) lose our home, and that he is going to help her (us) no matter what. All of this through text. I got a little sarcastic about it and said that it was very generous and Christian of him (my family is originally Jehovah's Witnesses, though neither my mother nor I are practicing or very devote to it). I don't think she appreciated it.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that all works out positively and we keep our home. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, because I bet it's going to be extremely hard to go to work and/or school when I'm living out of the backseat of my Taurus. So I'm really trying to think positively and hopefully all will turn out to our advantage.
Now I am off to study for my first French exam tomorrow morning and not going to the gym because P has decided she just doesn't feel up to it. I really am tired of depending on other people to come through only to have them let me down. Maybe I won't text D after all. . . .
In my last post I mentioned the bizarre dream I'd had after falling asleep reading Slaughter House Five, and the last two days have definitely been bizarre realities.
I logged onto to my Myspace last night (procrastinating of course) to find that I had a new message. Thinking it was from my friend K from work, I clicked to read it only to find that it wasn't from K at all. It was from someone I wasn't expecting at all. My ex has decided our mutual silence should end, and had messaged me saying that he's "been thinking about [me] a lot lately" and wondering how "life is treating" me. I mean, this was a fairly extensive message compared to something like, "hey, what's up?". He mentioned that he doesn't internet at his place anymore and then said he lost my number or some such hoorah and proceeded to give me his cell number. He left it completely up to me to reply and actually talk. I am torn between quinching my curiousity and seeing what he wants and just continuing on with my life D-free. I mean, I want to talk to him again, I really feel like we possibly ended things on a negative vibe (the last time I spoke with him was through AIM and my dad had just died. I asked if he still lived at the same address as he had 5 months prior because I was sending him his book back I had borrowed. Before that I hadn't spoken to him in months.) and I don't want to leave that negativity hanging there. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and hope that he really is looking to make amends and just catch up. I want so badly to hope that is just all he wants. But then the negative part of my mind argues that if I get involved with him again I'll just end up being an idiot and letting him hurt me again. I'm unsure how to proceed from here. Thinking about it obviously isn't helping. And who's to say that if I do text or message him back he'll actually reply back to me? Then the jokes on me and I'm bummed because I was stupid enough to hope to reconcile things. My two opposing hemispheres need to agree on something for once. But one thing is for sure: No matter who of my friends I've asked, they've all agreed that I should not respond to him. I don't know if I'm that strong.
Second really bizarre thing to happen: I'm sitting in humanities and my mom texts me (yes, I taught her how to text, and yes she abuses it) saying that she had a surprise visit from my uncle at work. There's a background as to why his visit was such a surprise. November 2007 my "dad" (really my mom's dad, but he's the only father figure I've ever had and I called him dad until I was about 5) passed away, and when that happened it literally tore my family apart, both physically and emotionally. Out of his 5 kids, none of them really kept on good terms with the other. The one thing I saw about my family after his death was that they are greedy, selfish beings who only give a shit about themselves. Period. My mom's only sister has been estranged from the family for years prior to my dad's death, but suddenly she's able to come down from Montana for a visit when she hears he's in the hospital dying. My uncle M had power of attorney over him and since he for the most part was on morphine and being kept alive by life support, it was my uncle's decision on what to do. My uncle D and my mother had always been close, and they're relationship has basically only strengthened from all that drama. My uncle B. . . well, let's just say he went with whatever my uncle M and aunt D had to say. Only recently did my mom and uncle M reconcile enough to be civil to one another. So last Wednesday when I came home from class to find the notice of auction sale Scotch taped to our front door, it was also posted about in the local news paper. With my mom's name listed by it. Not even kidding. We had no notice or warning that they were not only going to put that in the paper, but also slap our last name next to it. Needless to say, neither one of us was happy. Naturally everyone in my family saw it (my mom called them before and personally apologized and explained to each of them what was up and that we were trying to keep the house, not just laying here letting them take it again). So my uncle M went into my mom's work today to tell her personally that he refuses to let her ( us) lose our home, and that he is going to help her (us) no matter what. All of this through text. I got a little sarcastic about it and said that it was very generous and Christian of him (my family is originally Jehovah's Witnesses, though neither my mother nor I are practicing or very devote to it). I don't think she appreciated it.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that all works out positively and we keep our home. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, because I bet it's going to be extremely hard to go to work and/or school when I'm living out of the backseat of my Taurus. So I'm really trying to think positively and hopefully all will turn out to our advantage.
Now I am off to study for my first French exam tomorrow morning and not going to the gym because P has decided she just doesn't feel up to it. I really am tired of depending on other people to come through only to have them let me down. Maybe I won't text D after all. . . .
Sunday, February 8, 2009
I've got a secret I've been dying to leak, oh it's a killer to keep;
I fell asleep last night reading Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughter House Five. Lesson learned? Don't do this again. I had, by far, themost bizarre dream(s). Since I'm only 100 pages in so far, there's been a lot of repition of Pall Malls and time, so naturally my dream consisted of these. I dreamt that I repeatedly woke myself up for a ciggarette, and every time I tried to check the time I couldn't read the numbers on my digital alarm clock, so I walked to my TV and checked the time on the cable box (ours automatically display the time, a good/bad thing). The digits there were also distorted and unreadble. Yeah, weird. And having dreams about waking up off and on and then actually doing so at the end of each continued part was exhausting.
And then to add to it, I had watched Pineapple Express (what was the big deal about this movie?) earlier and somehow that had been in my dream. As well as my nonfunctional (at the time) Ipod (I just got it working again). It was a restless dream.
So, here's where I vent some stress. It was brought to my attention Thursday that I've been really negative and testy and irritable lately. I bit off way more than I can chew this semester, as well as getting more hours than I can (barely) handle at work. I don't have the time on my hands to just do nothing like I used to. I'm always reading for classes, working on various homework assignments, working, or attempting to sleep. That's just my social/public stress.
Personally, my mom and I are on the very serious verge of losing our house. I came home Wednesday to find a notice taped to our front door stating that they were going to publicly auction our house on February 24. Um, yeah, that could definitely have something to do with my "impatience" and "crankiness" Thursday. We've been working on lowering the mortgage and adjusting the interest rate for months, and I was assured by my mother (who was assured by the person helping us) that it was all taken care of. Apprently not since the loan agency can still do this to us while we're in litigation. What the fuck.
And my pity post on Tuesday has a bit to do with my recent negativity. I haven't talked to M in over a week (maybe I should post an explanation of mine and M's friendship) because of what was written in that post. It got me down big time and he disagreed with it all, yet he doesn't see it the way I do. And then there's my building credit card debt I haven't paid since. . . July. Shameful.
I'm freaking out right now. I can't ignore it or shrug it off like i have been doing. Yes, I am sweating the small stuff big time.
And then to add to it, I had watched Pineapple Express (what was the big deal about this movie?) earlier and somehow that had been in my dream. As well as my nonfunctional (at the time) Ipod (I just got it working again). It was a restless dream.
So, here's where I vent some stress. It was brought to my attention Thursday that I've been really negative and testy and irritable lately. I bit off way more than I can chew this semester, as well as getting more hours than I can (barely) handle at work. I don't have the time on my hands to just do nothing like I used to. I'm always reading for classes, working on various homework assignments, working, or attempting to sleep. That's just my social/public stress.
Personally, my mom and I are on the very serious verge of losing our house. I came home Wednesday to find a notice taped to our front door stating that they were going to publicly auction our house on February 24. Um, yeah, that could definitely have something to do with my "impatience" and "crankiness" Thursday. We've been working on lowering the mortgage and adjusting the interest rate for months, and I was assured by my mother (who was assured by the person helping us) that it was all taken care of. Apprently not since the loan agency can still do this to us while we're in litigation. What the fuck.
And my pity post on Tuesday has a bit to do with my recent negativity. I haven't talked to M in over a week (maybe I should post an explanation of mine and M's friendship) because of what was written in that post. It got me down big time and he disagreed with it all, yet he doesn't see it the way I do. And then there's my building credit card debt I haven't paid since. . . July. Shameful.
I'm freaking out right now. I can't ignore it or shrug it off like i have been doing. Yes, I am sweating the small stuff big time.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
I'll always have to wonder whether I'm truly wanted or whether I've just been settled for;
So I've got some things I need to get off my chest that I don't exactly want to talk to anyone in particular about it.
I have always been the girl settled for. Every relationship I've ever had has been because I was conveniently there when the first girl walked away. It stings to know this. Ordinarily I'm able to ignore it, just to deal with the truth of it and let it go because, really, what else can I do about it? But only last night did it really just sink into the pit of my stomach and the evil monster Jealousy began to spread through my body. I admit, I have no one to blame for my unhappiness but myself, and I am content being single right now at this point in my life (it would be completely unfair to have a relationship right now, for the guy at least). But the more I dwelled on the fact that I've never been the first option, the more sorry I began to feel for myself. Pity party central over here.
What is it about me that guys just don't make the move on me first? I'm not saying I'd change myself for a guy, I'm not that naive to think it'd actually work, but there's got to be something about me that's always made me "just the friend" or "just the girl who's okay to make out with" or "just the girl to date a few times". The more I consider it and turn it over in my mind, the more I realize my insecurity about being the one settled on instead of truly wanted is probably what's been holding me back the most. What makes it okay for guys to check me out, flirt with me, but never actually get around to asking me out or dating me?
I'm not the sort who is pined for or written about. I'm nothing extraordinary or exceptional when compared to other girls. But am I really so dull as to be just completely unconsidered or an improbable candidate for a girlfriend? It hurts to really think about this and that's why I've buried it down and became ignorant to it. I made the excuse that I just didn't have the time or the interest the true reasoning why I've never been in a real relationship or one that's actually lasted longer than a couple of months.
For once it would just be nice to be the girl bragged about to friends and called gorgeous.
I have always been the girl settled for. Every relationship I've ever had has been because I was conveniently there when the first girl walked away. It stings to know this. Ordinarily I'm able to ignore it, just to deal with the truth of it and let it go because, really, what else can I do about it? But only last night did it really just sink into the pit of my stomach and the evil monster Jealousy began to spread through my body. I admit, I have no one to blame for my unhappiness but myself, and I am content being single right now at this point in my life (it would be completely unfair to have a relationship right now, for the guy at least). But the more I dwelled on the fact that I've never been the first option, the more sorry I began to feel for myself. Pity party central over here.
What is it about me that guys just don't make the move on me first? I'm not saying I'd change myself for a guy, I'm not that naive to think it'd actually work, but there's got to be something about me that's always made me "just the friend" or "just the girl who's okay to make out with" or "just the girl to date a few times". The more I consider it and turn it over in my mind, the more I realize my insecurity about being the one settled on instead of truly wanted is probably what's been holding me back the most. What makes it okay for guys to check me out, flirt with me, but never actually get around to asking me out or dating me?
I'm not the sort who is pined for or written about. I'm nothing extraordinary or exceptional when compared to other girls. But am I really so dull as to be just completely unconsidered or an improbable candidate for a girlfriend? It hurts to really think about this and that's why I've buried it down and became ignorant to it. I made the excuse that I just didn't have the time or the interest the true reasoning why I've never been in a real relationship or one that's actually lasted longer than a couple of months.
For once it would just be nice to be the girl bragged about to friends and called gorgeous.
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