when you see my face, hope it gives you hell;

Why, oh why, can I not sleep? I didn't get to sleep until about 1 last night, was up at 7 this morning. Woke up every hour, on the hour. Came home from work at 12:30 with every intention of napping and doing homework, only to not be able to get to sleep. At all. So now not only am I absolutely exhausted and ready to collapse, I'm cranky because I can't effing sleep. What gives???

In other sad, pathetic news I have no clue how to navigate myself around facebook. Nope. Not one bit. Why does it have to be so complicated?

After two weeks of laziness and being stood up/cancelled on by P, I made it to the gym all by myself yesterday evening after work. Ha. Valentine's Day was very productive for me. I got off work, got cash out, found out my income tax went through, came home, paid bills, made white chocolate covered strawberries for my mom, made brownies for a girl I used to babysit whose birthday it was, went to the gym for over an hour doing cardio, showered and got ready to go out for P's birthday dinner, and then went to said dinner. Oh, and I got blown off by my so-called best friend M because he was with his girlfriend. I suppose now is as good a time as any to explain the dynamics of our friendship.

Up until our senior year of high school, M and I despised one another (though he later admitted that he secretly always liked me). His then girlfriend, my then best friend, was brewing drama between us, telling lies to each of us about the other, etc. So when she broke up with him, we actually started talking and discovered that we had mroe in common than just our relationship to the she-beast. And that's how our friendship began.

It was off and on that we'd hang out for about 2 years after graduation, and then toward the end of last November, he starts calling and texting more. I see more of him than I had in the last 2 years. I find out he's leaving for the military in February, and that seems to make it that much more crucial to see each other as much as possible. There was a point there where we literally talked every day to each other, saw each other about twice a week. And then a couple of weeks ago he calls me to tell me he broke up with his girlfriend, PB (not peanut butter).

Even though I was extremely exhausted and had a stack of reading to do before class the next morning, I went and hung out with him for a couple of hours, just letting him talk. Come to find out, there's another girl. I tried to support him in his choice, but something just wasn't sitting right with me. I ignored it. Until the next day when he tried to get me to go over to his place and sleep with him. It's this on going tension between us, and he's always wanted to (even when he was with PB and their relationship was still pretty solid) and I've always said no. And this time I was able to tell him why: I didn't want to be settled for. I deserve to be wanted, and not just sexually/physically (that was the night of my pity-party-post).

When D messaged me, I texted M and talked to him about it. A few days later I texted him again saying I needed his advice. It went unresponded to and ignored. So last night I tried again and I got completely blown off. I, of course, was pissed and left him an angry message along the lines of, "I'm so glad we're still friends." When that got no response, I called K from work and we talked for over an hour (hence why I didn't get to sleep till 1). When I woke up this morning there was a message from M saying that we still were (friends), what's up? and in my still half asleep total zombie state I managed to text back, "It doesn't feel like it." That was at 7:05 this morning. I haven't heard from him. Am I still really pissed off? Yes, and it's likely I will for a while.

I mean, why get close to me and make me think we had a pretty solid friendship only to skip out on me and ignore me because of some other girl. Who, I forgot to mention, is only 18, still in high school, and broke up with her last boyfriend (who was also in teh military) 3 weeks after he left. So right now I am thoroughly through with it all, M can have his little Lolita.

Guys suck. Another Valentine's Day in which this is completely emphasized and reiterrated.

Now I am off to go get ready for the gym so I can sulk through an hour of pilates. Tonight will be spent writing papers/reading and (hopefully) catching up on sleep. Hurray for dead presidents and Mondays off!