I'll always have to wonder whether I'm truly wanted or whether I've just been settled for;

So I've got some things I need to get off my chest that I don't exactly want to talk to anyone in particular about it.

I have always been the girl settled for. Every relationship I've ever had has been because I was conveniently there when the first girl walked away. It stings to know this. Ordinarily I'm able to ignore it, just to deal with the truth of it and let it go because, really, what else can I do about it? But only last night did it really just sink into the pit of my stomach and the evil monster Jealousy began to spread through my body. I admit, I have no one to blame for my unhappiness but myself, and I am content being single right now at this point in my life (it would be completely unfair to have a relationship right now, for the guy at least). But the more I dwelled on the fact that I've never been the first option, the more sorry I began to feel for myself. Pity party central over here.

What is it about me that guys just don't make the move on me first? I'm not saying I'd change myself for a guy, I'm not that naive to think it'd actually work, but there's got to be something about me that's always made me "just the friend" or "just the girl who's okay to make out with" or "just the girl to date a few times". The more I consider it and turn it over in my mind, the more I realize my insecurity about being the one settled on instead of truly wanted is probably what's been holding me back the most. What makes it okay for guys to check me out, flirt with me, but never actually get around to asking me out or dating me?

I'm not the sort who is pined for or written about. I'm nothing extraordinary or exceptional when compared to other girls. But am I really so dull as to be just completely unconsidered or an improbable candidate for a girlfriend? It hurts to really think about this and that's why I've buried it down and became ignorant to it. I made the excuse that I just didn't have the time or the interest the true reasoning why I've never been in a real relationship or one that's actually lasted longer than a couple of months.

For once it would just be nice to be the girl bragged about to friends and called gorgeous.