believe me when I tell you that I never want to see you again;

I am the laziest girl ever.

I didn't go to French yesterday, that is to say, with the help of sleep aid, I didn't wake up until noon. I checked my phone like I always do after eating breakfast, and I had two new texts. One from P and one from D. Reading D's totally bummed me out. "I want to see you again. But I have to be honest: I intend to undress you." Umm, yeah. So all that avoidance of that topic the week prior was farce? He only started to talk to me again to sleep with me again. What he didn't take into account with that piggish text was that I am not who I used to be. I don't thrive off of male attention to feel happy and good about myself as I used to. And with that said my reply went something like this: "I knew that's what you wanted. Thanks for the honesty but I don't want it. I know it'll end up just like the other times and it is just not worth it to me. I deserve more." I sent that over 24 hours ago, and have gotten no response. I highly doubt that I will. All he wanted of me was sex, and when I denied him that, he has no more purpose to me. I'm hoping this is the last I will have to hear from him in a very long time.

Now, I have my reasons for telling him no. Several reasons, in facts. 1) I would always be the one driving out to see him. Do you know how much gas has gone up? Between driving to and from school 4 days a week, making the trips out to the gym, and work, I barely have enough gas to get me where I have to go. So the one sided driving thing is a definite con. 2) In previous times, it hadn't been that good or worth the trip. And by it, I mean the sex. 3) I have enough to contend with lately without heaving on top of all that a boy, even if he is unattached. That's still a couple of hours I could be using to be doing thigs I actually like, such as reading, having dinner with my mom, or seeing people who do actually care about me. 4) The biggest, heaviest con on the list of all. The emotional part of it. I may not be in love with him or like him, but I do get a little jealous if I'm with a guy and he's talking about other girls as I'm with him. I don't need that. I don't need the insecurity right now of wondering if this trip will be the last one, and if it is, how long it will be before he talks to me again.

Overall, what I've realized is this: I don't need him. The past year and a half we haven't spoken has proven this to me. I function much better without him around. And when I say I deserve more, I mean I deserve to actually be with a guy who wants me, and not just for my body.

And that is the end of D.

Today I had a dentist appointment (again). My last one until my cleaning in May, I hope. It went by pretty fast and as I was waiting for the numbness to spread, I finally finished Slaughter House Five. Dear god, it was an easy read, but I just didn't have the time to actually read it. I'm still reading about 75 pages a night for school. That doesn't leave much room for hobby reading.

When I got home, I had every intention of finishing Fellowship of the Ring (when I couldn't get to sleep last night, I started watching it. I made it through to the last half of the second disc before I passed out), but my mother was home and had some news to tell me. Believe me, there is a reason why I have Motion City Soundtrack's Everything is Alright as my ringtone for when my mom calls. She hasn't been delivering happy news in the last year, and I expected the worst. But I was glad to be wrong this time. An appraiser is coming out to the house in the morning to re-evaluate the value of our home and adjust our mortgage rate. Translation: We won't be moving for a while yet. Hopefully we won't have to.

And now I am off to scrub our kitchen because, dear gawd, it's awful in there and is dying for some TLC: Tender Loving Cleaning.