living is easy with eyes closed (misunderstanding all you see);

And 5 months later I post again! It's not that I haven't had anything to say, just that I've been busy, and let's be honest, I'm not entirely comfortable posting every little nuance of my day-to-day life. It just gets so dull! (Though, for the record, I have no scruples about reading into other people's lives. It's like a nice little break from my own personal reality.)

2009 has been, by far, one of the busiest, craziest, awesomest and best years of my short existence! Reflecting to this time last year, everything seems so much more stable and much more exciting. I have a much clearer perspective on reality and know what I want from myself and my future (near and far). I know what I am capable of and what I need to do and have in my life to make me happiest. I've grown this year; become more of a person I'm content to be. I've realized and seen my faults, dealt with my insecurities as best I could, and coped with the folly of others and myself. Most importantly, I've learned to laugh at myself and at others; to not let their mistakes be my mistakes; and to just breathe and let things go, I can't win every time.

That being said, I've made a lot of personal choices this year. I chose to let a lot of "friends" go, while still strengthening my relationship with others to the point of calling them my sisters. We have each other's backs, and for the first time ever I feel as though I have gained something more from these silly, relentless, understanding, fantastic girls: Loyalty. A whole new concept to me, I've never had much luck when it came to obtaining and keeping acquaintences with other females. We've just never gotten on or liked one another. Yet with these 3, the laughs never end, the trust never waivers, and there's always someone there to pick up the other end of the line when your hearts gets broken, or you're so excited they can't understand a word coming out of your mouth, or you just need to vent and bitch about the unfairness of life. There's always time for a margarita and sushi with these ladies, and I adore each of them with all of my heart.


As to the ones I dropped all ties with, I'm better off. I'm a happier person without them, and life has become much easier since all connections were lost. Do I regret my decisions to forgoe any further attempts at a friendship? No. Am I sorry for the way things ended? Of course. It's always sad to lose someone you once confided in and hung out with and made weekend plans with. It's a bummer that things don't work out, but for the most part the friendship was in vain, or entirely one sided. I don't see much point in wasting time on someone who only thinks of themself, or speaks only of their own problems incessantly and never once in 2 years stopped to ask how you were. And to place the blame of the ending of the friendship on someone else is juvenile and, to be perfectly honest, hypocritical. I made the choice to discontinue it, not someone else. As to my spending more time with that someone else, that was also my choice, but nothing unlike what that "friend" had done previously. And the others I cut ties with, those too were my decisions and ones I don't regret either. More juvenile, high school melodrama to be avoided in the future.

I also stumbled into one of the best things that has ever happened to me (as cheesy as that sounds): I started dating this terrific guy who gave me space and time, "got" my awkwardness, and makes me exceedingly estatic. I'll refrain from all the barf-worthy giggliness of finding someone whom I care about much and love. I will say this: He brought me back from the dead. Other than my bestest best friends, this guy slowly revived me by making me feel again, and alleviated the majority of the bitterness that comes from loss and grief in a way that no one else ever could. He makes me laugh like no one else can, listens to my nerdy ramblings about books/school/music/movies, pays for my Taco Bell (and other food, naturally), and just "gets" my personality. Within 6 short, yet glorious months, I went from completely unsure about this guy to not being able to live without him. I depend on him in so many, mostly emotional, ways and he takes care of me. I look forward to spending 2010 with him.

I accomplished a lot academically this year as well: Finally found a subject I'm not only interested in, but passionate about (as well as excelling in, but I don't mean to brag. :) ). I found my calling in art history. It all makes perfect sense now. I've always had a geeky fondness and interest in history, while at the same time finding myself drawn to art and the artists themselves. Bingo! This is why I go to college....

I listened to a lot of awesome new tunes, while also having a soft spot for my old favorites as well. 2008 was more of my year for music, however. I can only recall being obsessed with 3 or 4 albums this year. Those being (off the top of my head): Lily Allen - It's Not Me, It's You, Mandy Moore - Amanda Leigh, The New Moon Soundtrack, Franz Ferdinand - (I can't even recall the official title of this album, but it stayed in my car for weeks) Tonight, and the Jonas Brothers - Lines, Vines, and Trying Times (yes, I added the beloved teen-y JoBros to my top albums. Again, it was a slow year for music for me.).

I was more into movie going and watching than anything else this year, and with my new beau it was like the cinema employees knew us on a first name basis. In total, I went and saw around 26 movies. The most I've ever gone to the movies in one year, believe me! There were the ones I couldn't wait for (New Moon, Harry Potter, Sherlock Holmes, Time Traveler's Wife, etc), and the ones I could've waited to come out to DVD (9, Funny People, The Ugly Truth, Wolverine, 17 Again). But all in all, I think I am well equipped for the forthcoming 2010 Oscar's!

I was also very preoccupied with reading. I had set the goal of reading 30 books in one year for myself, and I achieved it (though admittedly I counted books I had to read for classes into the final total [not textbooks, just regular books, like Shakespeare or the resources I used for the Mesoamerica/Andean art history paper I never wrote]). Books that blew my mind: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, The Lovely Bones, Sense and Sensibility, The Duchess, The Sound of My Voice, Frankenstein, Revolutionary Road, The Doctor's Wife, Handle with Care, and all the new Shakespeare I read. Books I could've lived without: Fight Club, Julie and Julia, Slaughterhouse Five, and the chick-lit I allowed myself to read.

Overall, 2009 was an amazing year and many vacations and trips were made. May I went to Vegas, June to Bodega Bay, July to Tahoe and to the bay area for No Doubt, and August brought another trip to Bodega Bay.

I have much to be thankful for, and even more to look forward to in 2010. I've set for myself the goal of reading 40 books, which should be interesting/relaxing/enlightening since the majority of the books have been sitting on my shelf for years. The ones I most look forward to: The Year of Magical Thinking, the Dark Tower series, Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters, Anna Karenina, Wuthering Heights, the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and much, much more! I'm also excited for the new albums coming out (Motion City Soundtrack's My Dinosaur Life and She & Him's Volume Two, just to name 2). Not to mention movies (part 1 of the final Harry Potter film, Eclipse, etc).

And of course, more awesome hangs with the best friends anyone could ask for, more trips and shananigans, and more growth and discovery.

I can't wait!

all i need is a compass, and a willing accomplice;

Oh where, oh where have I been, dear blog?

Having a very wicked awesome summer, thanks.

It isn't at all like I thought it'd be (I've cut ties with some friends who were part of Big Plans. It was for the better.) So there was no trip for San Francisco with P and no camping with P and no late night Rock Band jam sessions. Nevertheless, it didn't dampen my spirits or my Summer of Awesome.

June (sometime after that last post) I bought my one of my Besties tickets to the No Doubt concert at the end of July. After handing her her ticket and the birthday card I bought her for her LAST birthday and lost in the move, many squeals were had and plans made for a camping trip of our own with another Bestie and my mom. So we packed up my car, and made the 2 hour drive to Bodega Bay for 3 days and just lounged on the beach (I really need to get the pictures developed from this trip [yes, I am THAT lazy]). We came home, and not even a week went by before I met this Boy.

Okay, technically I've known him. I work with him, but I was completely oblivious to him (and my crush on him and his on me). Anyway, Boy and I started talking/texting and before I knew it we had to plans to hang out (I'm too much of a pessimist to want to get my hopes up and think it was a date, even though deep down I was hoping that's what it was. He recently admited to not wanting it to be a DATE date either, because what if it didn't work out? What if I was just into being friends? What if I wasn't interested in him? I think we're a good match: pessimists at heart). So we went to the movies and saw Public Enemies; he insisted he pay (DATE DATE DATE why didn't I see it yet???) and I let him (I got lectured by K about this when she came over to do my make-up beforehand, because I am THAT clueless about dating and boys and what-have-you). And afterward we went to Denny's and made small talk and apparently had some awkward silences (I have no recollection of "awkward" silences. Only he does). He dropped me off at my car at work (because I wasn't so sure of him driving to my house just yet. You never know!), and I awkwardly hugged him goodnight (this I do remember being awkward seeing as to how I am not a very physically affectionate person) and thanked him again.

Flashforward about an hour and K is sitting in my room giggling as I tried to unravel and analyze everything said/done, hoping against hope that maybe something would come of this really surreal thing that only happens on Lifetime Movie Network (in retrospect, it really was the sweetest first date, even though I don't think either of us considered it a DATE date until later). As I sit and replay the entire evening from the moment I got into his car to the moment I hugged him weirdly, my phones goes off. One New Message. It's from Boy, telling me he had fun. And stupidily, without really thinking, I reply asking when the next date is. D'oh. But it's okay, because everything worked out anyway.

That was June. July comes in thick and the only thing L and I can think about is No Doubt in 20 days...15 days...4 days.... It was, hands down, The Best Show Ever. It was AMAZING. I've never lost myself to the music as I did on that night. Jumping, screaming, singing, dancing. All this in a sold out stadium with one of the most amazing friends a girl could ever hope for. Not much else occured in July, just that not-so-horrid modern art history class. (I got an A, in case anyone's wondering.) All the while I'm still dating Boy and liking him more and more and wondering how much more of I dork I could be.

August started out hot and muggy. One more camping trip to the beach later and a trip to the Boy's hometown up in Lake Tahoe later, and I'm "preparing" to go back to school full time Monday (all this really means is I'm sitting on my butt as much as possible and finishing my book list, texting all I want, and napping in between).

I'm the most content I've ever been. I have the most amazing group of friends and 3 of the world's most tolerating and crazy Besties anyone could ask for. And I have this new person in my life that I'm terrified yet exhilirated to be around and who genuinely likes sitting on a couch with me watching cheesy DVDs all day. Hmm.

Let's just hope that my optimism (GASP) sticks around long enough for me to get through this next semester. Fingers crossed.

don't you remember when I was a bird and you were a map?;

It looks like a blog a month is about all I can muster outof myself. I used to be an exceptional blogger, laying it out for all to see. I guess I've finally defined what is okay to share with everyone and what is best kept to myself.

So here I sit on my last free day before school starts back up Monday, and I've already sat in the warm California sun long enough to feel nice and toasty without burning and read (rereading the entire Harry Potter series. I tried to sit and reread the sixth book since the film for it comes out next month, but that didn't go too well considering I spent the first 3 chapters trying to remember what happened in the previous five books. Back to the beginning it is). My modern art history class commences Monday, and I must say I'm really not looking forward to going back to school. I don't know if it is because I've been working nonstop for the last 2 weeks, or because my first week off was spent in Las Vegas, or maybe I'm just sick of school, but my break definitely has not been long enough. I crave the structure and routine that school brings, but I'm not completely prepared to sit for 2 hours every morning, 4 days a week, for 6 weeks, listening to someone lecture about Warhol and Lichtenstein. I enjoy my solitude and silence too much.

Vegas, to put it mildly, was amazing. I loved every minute of it, and everyday since I left I've been missing the dry heat and the absence of an agenda.

Aside from Vegas, the most exiting thing I can report is that Tuesday I sat for 2 1/2 hours waiting at Les Schwabb getting new tires and a new battery. I'm taking better care of my poor car. The last week has been about taking care of a lot of crap I've been putting off. And today I put off getting my oil changed in the morning, so now I just have to pick up my check and deposit it. Pay my phone bill, and for the Bestie's belated birthday present, and my parking pass for school. Why must everything revolve around my paychecks? I'm not feeling very nice about my hard earned money lately.

Okay, enough rambling. I'll (try) to update more often, even if it is to give some opinion of my recent readings, which include:

• Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
• Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
• Wuthering Heights (will I ever finish this book???)
• (eventually) 1984

I finally finished Revolutionary Road after nearly 5 months of reading it. And Catch Me If You Can I finshed right after it. I'm hoping now that I've finished rereading Libba Bray's series A Great and Terrible Beauty I can get down to some serious reading (with the exception of the HP series, I plan on not rereading any books until I complete the stack I have yet to start/finish).

All right, enough. I'm out!

I've got these friends in quotes;

Here's to procrastination and being reminded of every reason why I hate my job.

We have this manager who is a Major Douche. He's a big baby, and we all wonder how he managed to get himself a top-dog position (we stil don't know, but he is most definitely not fit for the job). For the last month, every night that I've closed, he's the been the closing manager. There's only so much of him I can take before I get absolutely annoyed with him, and last night was it. I can't wait until I close with someone who isn't him. I'm counting down the days.

Deep breath. Other than the work annoyance, everything has been somewhat okay. Definitely feeling the stress of finals and the end of the semester right about now. I still have a paper for Shakespeare on the use of disguise throughout his plays and then another on whether Victor Frankenstein can be considered a hero or a villian (6 pages on that crap. Joy.). Summer can't come soon enough.

One art history class which I am taking with the Bestie and it's just 6 weeks. Then it's time for the Summer of Awesome to commence. Camping trips, concerts and shows, and sweet late-night hangs involving some of the greatest people I've ever known and Rock Band.

The last week of finals is going to be the beginning of absolute mayhem. I leave for Vegas the night after finals, and I get back Saturday. Then the weekend before summer courses start, I'll be in San Francisco with P. School and work for 6 weeks, then my summer can really start. Can't. Wait.

Alright. Time to go hunting through the interwebs and my books to begin citing passages for (super lame) papers. I've got Starbucks and nothing better to do.

you broke the rules, you laid it down for all to see;

Whoops. I officially am the worst blogger ever. What have I been up to, you may ponder. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I had every intention of updating (even if just briefly) last week, during my spring break. As you can see, that obviously didn't happen. Is it possible to be busy with nothing? I think it is.

I made a list for myself of everything I had hoped to get done last week for school (which included reading and finishing 3 books, writing 4 papers, and getting ahead on my chapter outlines), and all that I could force myself to do was one chapter outline and finishing Frankenstein. What the hell did I do with myself for a week if that's all I managed to complete for school? I worked. I hung out with some awesome people. I slept. I sat on my bum all day watching reruns of LOST seasons past and watching Twilight on DVD. And in between all of that nothing, I finally painted the inside of my closet and put my bookcase together. I set up my DVD shelves. My room actually looks lived in now. It's incredible.

My first week back from break was supposed to be me writing those papers (or at least outlining/drafting them) and finishing Revolutionary Road (yeah, I know. I'm still reading it. I've been procrastinating). None of that happened. Instead I got bombarded with MORE work. Next week in French is going to be absolute hell. We have the chapter 9 exam Monday and then Wednesday is our in class composition in which we write in the past tense about our lives today in comparison with the lives of our grandparents. Great. Just what I want to discuss.

And on that note, I've been having a lot of inside conversations with myself lately. A lot of reflection and remembering that led me to the conclusion that I still think of him everyday, and every moment I find myself thinking about him I miss him more and more. And the only reason I haven't fallen apart again is because I won't let myself; there's too much at stake now for me to lose if I let myself just crumble. I may appear happier and better on the outside (and maybe I really am, maybe I'm strong enough to cope with all this grief after all), that all I've done also is gotten better at denying and hiding and burying and ignoring how hurt I still am. I'm not as angry, but I'm still just as hurt. The anger is what set in after the numbness went away, and even though it would be completely melodramatic of me to say that I can't feel anything anymore, what I mean is in comparison to that anger and hatred all other feelings are weak and not as strongly felt.

Anyway. That was a brief update. Now back to getting over my cold and listening to MCS.

there is nowhere you can hide from the lessons learned or the lies that bind them;

I am way too lazy to write anything of real sustance, so here's a list summarizing the Life of Tara:

1) WAY too much homework/studying/exhaustion
2) hangs with the bestest friends
3) work, work, work and -oh yeah- more work
4) deep thinking on where I will/want to be in 5 years/ltos of contemplating my navel/trying to figure out the meaning of my life
5) thinking of my Angry Phase over last summer and how that was the last time I really actually felt anything real
6) missing said Angry Phase because I could actually feel something, even if it was a negative emotion
7) also missing drawing beaucoup because it took immense amounts of concentration, which is one of many things I seem to be lacking
8) reading Revolutionary Road and Othello simultaneously (not such a good idea, by the way)
9) havig very bizarre dreams involving D, LOST and my old apartment. What?!?!

Just a brief summary, mind. And yes, I totally outlined this blog out last night in a notebook and in neon purple ink to boot!

And coming attractions:

1) work, work, work
2) a poetry comparison analysis paper whose draft is due Tuesday
3) a humanities midterm Thursday
4) more dull and further confusing studies of Confucionism
5) more Othello and Iago's inspiring brilliance at villianry
6) furhter financial ruin
7) more fialings in the French language (why must I fail so hardcore at it?! I took it all 4 years of high school and studied it a few semesters ago! Whyyy must I despise it so???)
8) more hangs with the bestests AND awesome rockig out jam sessions to Rockband!!!

Yeah, I have a totally lame life. I've come to accept that.

it doesn't matter because I am packing plastic, and that's what makes my life so fucking fantastic;

Oh, how I missed blogging. Kinda.

My laptop has been extremely slow on loading everything IE related, and a savings account for a new laptop/paying off my credit card has been started to buy a new one. It's ridiculous. My laptop was never the best thing, but it's reached an offical all time low.

In other news, I probably had one of the crappiest weeks. Wednesadya my car battery died, leaving me stranded at Ride Aid for half an hour with my mother, which was not a beautiful experience. Since when did my mother get so "zen" about everything? What the hell was up with all the comments about just going with the flow and that bad things happen all the time? Why couldn't she just let me be negative and get it out? Damn. So we got rescued by A, who dropped us off and a few hours my mom and I went back to my car hoping that it just overheated and was fine now. Of course it wasn't. I had been telling my mom that my car needed work done on it, that it was acting up and sometimes driving funny (translation: I didn't feel safe driving it). She didn't listen, saying that it was fine, I was iomaginging things, yadda yadda. Guess what? The next time someone says their car is acting up and they drive it several times a day you should trust them and have it checked out. Lesson learned.

And what's really ridiculous about this entire situation is that when my laptop died a couple of weeks ago, I had this nagging little voice in the back of my mind saying that bad things come in packs of three and that the next thing to go would be my car. Yeah. I jinxed myself.

It would have been a simple fix, just call AAA and get my car jumped and/or towed, right? Apparently my mom hadn't payed the bill yet. So while I'm freaking out thinking I'm going to be without a car for quite some time, my mom is just shrugging it off as an accident. Of course, it isn't her car. Once I told her she woild be the one driving me out to school on Mondays and Wednesdays AND picking me up AND toting me to and from work, it became of the utmost importance to get my car fixed. Yeah. That's what I thought.

So that was my negative Wednesday. I had switched schedules that day with someone earlier in the week so it didn't effect work at all. I had planned to work on my three papers due the following day, and I eventually did. At 8 o'clock. While rewatching last week's episode of LOST. I managed to write 5 and half okay pages on Hinduism for World Religions, and then wrote two pages about the character of Orsino from Twlefth Night for Shakespeare and two pages on Caravaggio's The Conversion of St. Paul. I was quite proud of myself for my Caravaggio paper until I got to class the next day to hand it in and find out that the majority of the class had chosen the same Baroque painting to analyze as well. I felt brilliant about my Hinduism paper, though, considering that some people had only written 3 or 4 pages and had been up all night writing it while I had outlined mine and had it written in just two hours. Paper power!

I've been watching The Office on DVD for the last week. Why has no one ever told me about this show until now? It's hilarious. Every episode makes me laugh and reminds me that not all TV shows eventually go down the drain like LOST has. What is up with that show lately? Anyone know? Do the writers even know anymore?

I went last night to see Slumdog Millionaire with A and R (I just realized I have two A's: a male and a female. Dang. Af and Am maybe?). I really liked it, and I can see why it would be nominated for so much. What I didn't get was why it actually won all the Oscars it did. Don't get me wrong, I really liked the movie and thought it deserved the recognition, but I don't think it should have won all of the awards it was up for. Just like I don't think that of the two films she had come out last year, Kate Winslet should have gotten her Oscar for The Reader. I liked her performance and the film itself a lot more in Revolutionary Road. Just sayin'.

Oh. Yesterday I saw M. With his Lolita. I think he gets that I won't be forgiving him anytime ever.

Now I am off to attempt my French studies for my examen on Mercredi (Wednesday).

believe me when I tell you that I never want to see you again;

I am the laziest girl ever.

I didn't go to French yesterday, that is to say, with the help of sleep aid, I didn't wake up until noon. I checked my phone like I always do after eating breakfast, and I had two new texts. One from P and one from D. Reading D's totally bummed me out. "I want to see you again. But I have to be honest: I intend to undress you." Umm, yeah. So all that avoidance of that topic the week prior was farce? He only started to talk to me again to sleep with me again. What he didn't take into account with that piggish text was that I am not who I used to be. I don't thrive off of male attention to feel happy and good about myself as I used to. And with that said my reply went something like this: "I knew that's what you wanted. Thanks for the honesty but I don't want it. I know it'll end up just like the other times and it is just not worth it to me. I deserve more." I sent that over 24 hours ago, and have gotten no response. I highly doubt that I will. All he wanted of me was sex, and when I denied him that, he has no more purpose to me. I'm hoping this is the last I will have to hear from him in a very long time.

Now, I have my reasons for telling him no. Several reasons, in facts. 1) I would always be the one driving out to see him. Do you know how much gas has gone up? Between driving to and from school 4 days a week, making the trips out to the gym, and work, I barely have enough gas to get me where I have to go. So the one sided driving thing is a definite con. 2) In previous times, it hadn't been that good or worth the trip. And by it, I mean the sex. 3) I have enough to contend with lately without heaving on top of all that a boy, even if he is unattached. That's still a couple of hours I could be using to be doing thigs I actually like, such as reading, having dinner with my mom, or seeing people who do actually care about me. 4) The biggest, heaviest con on the list of all. The emotional part of it. I may not be in love with him or like him, but I do get a little jealous if I'm with a guy and he's talking about other girls as I'm with him. I don't need that. I don't need the insecurity right now of wondering if this trip will be the last one, and if it is, how long it will be before he talks to me again.

Overall, what I've realized is this: I don't need him. The past year and a half we haven't spoken has proven this to me. I function much better without him around. And when I say I deserve more, I mean I deserve to actually be with a guy who wants me, and not just for my body.

And that is the end of D.

Today I had a dentist appointment (again). My last one until my cleaning in May, I hope. It went by pretty fast and as I was waiting for the numbness to spread, I finally finished Slaughter House Five. Dear god, it was an easy read, but I just didn't have the time to actually read it. I'm still reading about 75 pages a night for school. That doesn't leave much room for hobby reading.

When I got home, I had every intention of finishing Fellowship of the Ring (when I couldn't get to sleep last night, I started watching it. I made it through to the last half of the second disc before I passed out), but my mother was home and had some news to tell me. Believe me, there is a reason why I have Motion City Soundtrack's Everything is Alright as my ringtone for when my mom calls. She hasn't been delivering happy news in the last year, and I expected the worst. But I was glad to be wrong this time. An appraiser is coming out to the house in the morning to re-evaluate the value of our home and adjust our mortgage rate. Translation: We won't be moving for a while yet. Hopefully we won't have to.

And now I am off to scrub our kitchen because, dear gawd, it's awful in there and is dying for some TLC: Tender Loving Cleaning.

the sun is out the sky is blue/it's beautiful and so are you;

Oh, insomnia, how you are the very bane of my existence. For the last couple of nights I have been completely unable to fall asleep, and stay asleep while I'm at it. Why? Don't you kow I love you, sleep? And that I miss you and the wonderful sleep habits I acquired during winter break terribly?

Okay, I guess I can recap on my weekend.

Saturday was P's birthday. I was sleep deprived (I worked 2-11 Friday and had to be up by 7:30 the next morning to be to work by 9. Ha.) and not feeling at all sociable, but I went anyway. I had an okay time. Got completely sick from the food (note to self: never eat at Chevy's again), but other than that it was okay.

Sunday I worked 8:30 to 12:30, again sleep deprived. I had every intention of going home and takig a serious nap before hitting the gym, but I just could not fall asleep to save my life. So I stayed awake surfed the web, and watched "The Life of David Gale" (which I keep calling Henry Gale and couldn't figure out why until last night: LOST). Did cardio for 15 minutes, and then a full hour of pilates before going home to crash. What wishful thinking on my part.

My iPod died at the gym, so I went over to my laptop, turned it on. And nothing happened. It clicked on for 3 seconds and then shut itself back off. What the...??? So I played with the cord for over an hour, got really pissed off, and high jacked my mom's PC for hours looking for a new laptop. My Dell is a piece of maneuer, and it deeply saddens me. I bought a new power cord for it, paid the extra 16 bucks for express shipping and got it in today. Luckily it worked and it only set me back $90 (meaning my income tax moolah is diminished and I won't be able to pay as much off of my credit card as I had hoped). Still, it's cheaper than the $1300 macbook pro I was oogling, and the $1700 Sony vaio I was dreaming of, and the HP Pavilion I was stalking for 2 hours. I need to learn to be frugal and save my hard earned cash to pay off my debt and be able to buy myself a new snazzy laptop that doesn't infuriate me with its incompetence. Anyway, it turned on loaded itself up, and I was thrilled to have it back. Until I tried logging onto IE and having the AT&T message announcing my Internet was having an issue. Translation: My mom forgot to pay the bill again. Fortunately, it only took two calls this time to get it up and running. And no call what-so-ever to the router company! Made me very very glad we threw out our Netgear piece of crap months ago and upgrder to something better (and whose customer service speaks clear, distinct English).

That was today, er, Tuesday. Back to Sunday: In my frustration, I texted D asking about his HP laptop. The conversation soon veered to hanging out Monday, since neither of us had class and didn't work until late evening. Don't ask me why, but I agreed. So Monday afternoon I drove the 45 minutes to his apartment and he made me lunch and we discussed music philosophy, and many more nonsensical topics. I irritated him with my erratic song changing, and I came to the realization that I am over him and that he bores me to death. I wouldn't mid hanging out again, but he just has nothing to hook me with. I haven't quite decided if it was me who changed or him, or perhaps both of us, but the dynamic of our relationship has definitely fizzled. No sexual tension of any kind, and with the exception of a few flirtatious comments, I say it is definitely safe to be around him. Old habits eventually die in this case, thank God.

So that was my Monday. And now I am on to my Wednesday and unable to sleep, yet again. I must be up by 7:30. Perhaps I shall ditch French, though it would put me way behind considering it's a two hour class that meets only twice a week. I wish this old habit would die already.

when you see my face, hope it gives you hell;

Why, oh why, can I not sleep? I didn't get to sleep until about 1 last night, was up at 7 this morning. Woke up every hour, on the hour. Came home from work at 12:30 with every intention of napping and doing homework, only to not be able to get to sleep. At all. So now not only am I absolutely exhausted and ready to collapse, I'm cranky because I can't effing sleep. What gives???

In other sad, pathetic news I have no clue how to navigate myself around facebook. Nope. Not one bit. Why does it have to be so complicated?

After two weeks of laziness and being stood up/cancelled on by P, I made it to the gym all by myself yesterday evening after work. Ha. Valentine's Day was very productive for me. I got off work, got cash out, found out my income tax went through, came home, paid bills, made white chocolate covered strawberries for my mom, made brownies for a girl I used to babysit whose birthday it was, went to the gym for over an hour doing cardio, showered and got ready to go out for P's birthday dinner, and then went to said dinner. Oh, and I got blown off by my so-called best friend M because he was with his girlfriend. I suppose now is as good a time as any to explain the dynamics of our friendship.

Up until our senior year of high school, M and I despised one another (though he later admitted that he secretly always liked me). His then girlfriend, my then best friend, was brewing drama between us, telling lies to each of us about the other, etc. So when she broke up with him, we actually started talking and discovered that we had mroe in common than just our relationship to the she-beast. And that's how our friendship began.

It was off and on that we'd hang out for about 2 years after graduation, and then toward the end of last November, he starts calling and texting more. I see more of him than I had in the last 2 years. I find out he's leaving for the military in February, and that seems to make it that much more crucial to see each other as much as possible. There was a point there where we literally talked every day to each other, saw each other about twice a week. And then a couple of weeks ago he calls me to tell me he broke up with his girlfriend, PB (not peanut butter).

Even though I was extremely exhausted and had a stack of reading to do before class the next morning, I went and hung out with him for a couple of hours, just letting him talk. Come to find out, there's another girl. I tried to support him in his choice, but something just wasn't sitting right with me. I ignored it. Until the next day when he tried to get me to go over to his place and sleep with him. It's this on going tension between us, and he's always wanted to (even when he was with PB and their relationship was still pretty solid) and I've always said no. And this time I was able to tell him why: I didn't want to be settled for. I deserve to be wanted, and not just sexually/physically (that was the night of my pity-party-post).

When D messaged me, I texted M and talked to him about it. A few days later I texted him again saying I needed his advice. It went unresponded to and ignored. So last night I tried again and I got completely blown off. I, of course, was pissed and left him an angry message along the lines of, "I'm so glad we're still friends." When that got no response, I called K from work and we talked for over an hour (hence why I didn't get to sleep till 1). When I woke up this morning there was a message from M saying that we still were (friends), what's up? and in my still half asleep total zombie state I managed to text back, "It doesn't feel like it." That was at 7:05 this morning. I haven't heard from him. Am I still really pissed off? Yes, and it's likely I will for a while.

I mean, why get close to me and make me think we had a pretty solid friendship only to skip out on me and ignore me because of some other girl. Who, I forgot to mention, is only 18, still in high school, and broke up with her last boyfriend (who was also in teh military) 3 weeks after he left. So right now I am thoroughly through with it all, M can have his little Lolita.

Guys suck. Another Valentine's Day in which this is completely emphasized and reiterrated.

Now I am off to go get ready for the gym so I can sulk through an hour of pilates. Tonight will be spent writing papers/reading and (hopefully) catching up on sleep. Hurray for dead presidents and Mondays off!

I'm addicted to words and they're useless (in this department);

Okay, so I caved and texted D two days ago. The conversation started off innocent enough, and by the end of it last night, I just asked him straight out why he started talking to me again and what he meant by hanging out (because that's what it was coming around to, and I knew it). I don't like to think of myself as a stupid girl who dumbs herself down even further for a guy's attention, and I've learned more about guys by this point in my life to know that they don't just randomly message you to chat. And of course he avoided the question, saying that I knew he was just a boring guy who likes to watch movies. I know this about him is true, but I also know that in the istory of knowing each other, we have never been the kind of people who just sit and watch a movie together. After mch pondering, I have reached this conclusion: Iam perfectly okay being friends with him, I am okay with hanging out. What I am not okay with is "hanging out", if you catch my drift. So apparenlty sometime next week we're supposed to hang out, though I don't expect him to text me about it any time soon conidering my forwardness with him. He said he was avoiding that question, and I asked him why. I don't think he knows what he wants any more than I do (though I do know that I will regret stariting anything with him).

In other news, I have to go back to the dentist on Thursday. I chipped one of my bottom I teeth about a year ago, and all was fine until the filling on the tooth next to it fell out Tuesday night at dinner with my mom. So now I have to go back, and it makes me sad. It's like I'm dommed to forever be having problems with my teeth. This is why you should go every six months, folks.

I worked 2 to 11 today, and then I go back first thing at 9 tomorrow morning, so I suppose I should cut this short and get myself to bed. Peace out.

you're through killing me with all your facts and late night therapy;

I haven't been to the gym since two Saturdays ago. I feel like a lump on a log, and in the week and a half I haven't been I've gained two pounds. I'm supposed to be going tonight with P after she gets back from dinner with her family. Lately it feels like we've had this complete disconnect between us, like we just can't stand the other. Our silences aren't as comfortable and easy-going as they once were. After all, she was the one to tell me last Thursday that I've been really negative the last week or so. Today was a definite improvement over that, and Saturday night is her birthday (I've heard the horror stories about having a birthday on V-Day from her many a time, and I do not envy her). It's her 21st birthday, and it will definitely be a ton of fun. The perfect way to end my odd, stressful week.

In my last post I mentioned the bizarre dream I'd had after falling asleep reading Slaughter House Five, and the last two days have definitely been bizarre realities.

I logged onto to my Myspace last night (procrastinating of course) to find that I had a new message. Thinking it was from my friend K from work, I clicked to read it only to find that it wasn't from K at all. It was from someone I wasn't expecting at all. My ex has decided our mutual silence should end, and had messaged me saying that he's "been thinking about [me] a lot lately" and wondering how "life is treating" me. I mean, this was a fairly extensive message compared to something like, "hey, what's up?". He mentioned that he doesn't internet at his place anymore and then said he lost my number or some such hoorah and proceeded to give me his cell number. He left it completely up to me to reply and actually talk. I am torn between quinching my curiousity and seeing what he wants and just continuing on with my life D-free. I mean, I want to talk to him again, I really feel like we possibly ended things on a negative vibe (the last time I spoke with him was through AIM and my dad had just died. I asked if he still lived at the same address as he had 5 months prior because I was sending him his book back I had borrowed. Before that I hadn't spoken to him in months.) and I don't want to leave that negativity hanging there. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and hope that he really is looking to make amends and just catch up. I want so badly to hope that is just all he wants. But then the negative part of my mind argues that if I get involved with him again I'll just end up being an idiot and letting him hurt me again. I'm unsure how to proceed from here. Thinking about it obviously isn't helping. And who's to say that if I do text or message him back he'll actually reply back to me? Then the jokes on me and I'm bummed because I was stupid enough to hope to reconcile things. My two opposing hemispheres need to agree on something for once. But one thing is for sure: No matter who of my friends I've asked, they've all agreed that I should not respond to him. I don't know if I'm that strong.

Second really bizarre thing to happen: I'm sitting in humanities and my mom texts me (yes, I taught her how to text, and yes she abuses it) saying that she had a surprise visit from my uncle at work. There's a background as to why his visit was such a surprise. November 2007 my "dad" (really my mom's dad, but he's the only father figure I've ever had and I called him dad until I was about 5) passed away, and when that happened it literally tore my family apart, both physically and emotionally. Out of his 5 kids, none of them really kept on good terms with the other. The one thing I saw about my family after his death was that they are greedy, selfish beings who only give a shit about themselves. Period. My mom's only sister has been estranged from the family for years prior to my dad's death, but suddenly she's able to come down from Montana for a visit when she hears he's in the hospital dying. My uncle M had power of attorney over him and since he for the most part was on morphine and being kept alive by life support, it was my uncle's decision on what to do. My uncle D and my mother had always been close, and they're relationship has basically only strengthened from all that drama. My uncle B. . . well, let's just say he went with whatever my uncle M and aunt D had to say. Only recently did my mom and uncle M reconcile enough to be civil to one another. So last Wednesday when I came home from class to find the notice of auction sale Scotch taped to our front door, it was also posted about in the local news paper. With my mom's name listed by it. Not even kidding. We had no notice or warning that they were not only going to put that in the paper, but also slap our last name next to it. Needless to say, neither one of us was happy. Naturally everyone in my family saw it (my mom called them before and personally apologized and explained to each of them what was up and that we were trying to keep the house, not just laying here letting them take it again). So my uncle M went into my mom's work today to tell her personally that he refuses to let her ( us) lose our home, and that he is going to help her (us) no matter what. All of this through text. I got a little sarcastic about it and said that it was very generous and Christian of him (my family is originally Jehovah's Witnesses, though neither my mother nor I are practicing or very devote to it). I don't think she appreciated it.

I am keeping my fingers crossed that all works out positively and we keep our home. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, because I bet it's going to be extremely hard to go to work and/or school when I'm living out of the backseat of my Taurus. So I'm really trying to think positively and hopefully all will turn out to our advantage.

Now I am off to study for my first French exam tomorrow morning and not going to the gym because P has decided she just doesn't feel up to it. I really am tired of depending on other people to come through only to have them let me down. Maybe I won't text D after all. . . .

I've got a secret I've been dying to leak, oh it's a killer to keep;

I fell asleep last night reading Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughter House Five. Lesson learned? Don't do this again. I had, by far, themost bizarre dream(s). Since I'm only 100 pages in so far, there's been a lot of repition of Pall Malls and time, so naturally my dream consisted of these. I dreamt that I repeatedly woke myself up for a ciggarette, and every time I tried to check the time I couldn't read the numbers on my digital alarm clock, so I walked to my TV and checked the time on the cable box (ours automatically display the time, a good/bad thing). The digits there were also distorted and unreadble. Yeah, weird. And having dreams about waking up off and on and then actually doing so at the end of each continued part was exhausting.

And then to add to it, I had watched Pineapple Express (what was the big deal about this movie?) earlier and somehow that had been in my dream. As well as my nonfunctional (at the time) Ipod (I just got it working again). It was a restless dream.

So, here's where I vent some stress. It was brought to my attention Thursday that I've been really negative and testy and irritable lately. I bit off way more than I can chew this semester, as well as getting more hours than I can (barely) handle at work. I don't have the time on my hands to just do nothing like I used to. I'm always reading for classes, working on various homework assignments, working, or attempting to sleep. That's just my social/public stress.

Personally, my mom and I are on the very serious verge of losing our house. I came home Wednesday to find a notice taped to our front door stating that they were going to publicly auction our house on February 24. Um, yeah, that could definitely have something to do with my "impatience" and "crankiness" Thursday. We've been working on lowering the mortgage and adjusting the interest rate for months, and I was assured by my mother (who was assured by the person helping us) that it was all taken care of. Apprently not since the loan agency can still do this to us while we're in litigation. What the fuck.

And my pity post on Tuesday has a bit to do with my recent negativity. I haven't talked to M in over a week (maybe I should post an explanation of mine and M's friendship) because of what was written in that post. It got me down big time and he disagreed with it all, yet he doesn't see it the way I do. And then there's my building credit card debt I haven't paid since. . . July. Shameful.

I'm freaking out right now. I can't ignore it or shrug it off like i have been doing. Yes, I am sweating the small stuff big time.

I'll always have to wonder whether I'm truly wanted or whether I've just been settled for;

So I've got some things I need to get off my chest that I don't exactly want to talk to anyone in particular about it.

I have always been the girl settled for. Every relationship I've ever had has been because I was conveniently there when the first girl walked away. It stings to know this. Ordinarily I'm able to ignore it, just to deal with the truth of it and let it go because, really, what else can I do about it? But only last night did it really just sink into the pit of my stomach and the evil monster Jealousy began to spread through my body. I admit, I have no one to blame for my unhappiness but myself, and I am content being single right now at this point in my life (it would be completely unfair to have a relationship right now, for the guy at least). But the more I dwelled on the fact that I've never been the first option, the more sorry I began to feel for myself. Pity party central over here.

What is it about me that guys just don't make the move on me first? I'm not saying I'd change myself for a guy, I'm not that naive to think it'd actually work, but there's got to be something about me that's always made me "just the friend" or "just the girl who's okay to make out with" or "just the girl to date a few times". The more I consider it and turn it over in my mind, the more I realize my insecurity about being the one settled on instead of truly wanted is probably what's been holding me back the most. What makes it okay for guys to check me out, flirt with me, but never actually get around to asking me out or dating me?

I'm not the sort who is pined for or written about. I'm nothing extraordinary or exceptional when compared to other girls. But am I really so dull as to be just completely unconsidered or an improbable candidate for a girlfriend? It hurts to really think about this and that's why I've buried it down and became ignorant to it. I made the excuse that I just didn't have the time or the interest the true reasoning why I've never been in a real relationship or one that's actually lasted longer than a couple of months.

For once it would just be nice to be the girl bragged about to friends and called gorgeous.

i don't want to be a footnote in someone else's happiness;

number of days spent at the gym: 5
number of Dr. Pepper's consumed: 3
number of books read so far in 2009: 4
number of days spent in school: 6

I remember now what it's like to take a full load of units in a semester. Sleep deprived, scores of pages of reading, and let's not forget the actual work that goes along with it all. I'm exhausted and don't have work till 7 (another 7 to closing shift. I'M MISSING LOST HERE, FOLKS!). I still have two acts to read for A Winter's Tale, a brief review (as in, a glance at the reading) of the Early Renaissance for humanities, two short stories to read for English Writing and 3 outlines to write up, and then reading of the Bhagavad-Gita for World Religions -- all due tomorrow. And it's only the second week! I haven't even mentioned French yet. Zut alors!

I've been committed to the gym, which is always a plus. Too bad I haven't committed to my healthier eating plan yet. . . . It's only been a week (5 hours of cardio, 3 hours of weights total so far), and 3 pilates classes (one hour each). My body doesn't ache at all today after my hour of cardio/weights and hour of pilates. That's gotta be an improvement of some kind. I also made the tres grave mistake of weighing myself. I weigh 5 more pounds than I thought. I must embrace those healthier eating habits. I must! I only have 7 months left to reach my goal for August.

Oh, and in this never ending week of work, reading, exhaustion, and sore muscles: My ex is in my Intro to Shakespeare class, my cousin likes to randomly pop out of nowhere and talk about himself, and I already miss going out for sushi with friends. But I suppose it could be worse.

wrong way on a one way track;

Oh, 2009, how quickly you came upon us all! I had my very first real plans for New Year's Eve (party at a pal of Michael's), and had my last cigarette of 08 (and hopefully ever). At the last minute of 08 crept up on us, someone had the bright idea to put Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's on and the 7 or so of us present counted down to 2009 and watched that giant orb of lights drop in Times Square. Honestly, as much fun and epic making a trip to New York would be to see the ball drop, those people had to be freezing. And as much as I'd like to actually do that myself one year, I'm sure that one year would be it. Hords and scores of people, all the screaming and freezing sleet and ice, just does not appeal to me. Maybe I am that California girl through and through after all.

But I digress.

As I sat there in that sparse living room of a complete stranger and waited to feel the magic of the possibilities and hopes for 2009, I didn't feel any of it. It was the first time I wasn't looking forward to "starting over," and that has everything to do with knowing what I know now. You can't start over. You just have to live with your past and let what you've learned guide you into the future. Super cheesy, I know. So, here is to 2009 being the year of learning to live with my inadequacies and flaws and accepting that this is who I am, no more apologies or unnecessary "I'm sorry"s.

That was my revelation at 12 A.M. January 1, 2009. It has taken me a few days to ponder what I really want to come of this year and whether I should make resolutions. To the latter, I bah-hum-bugged and decided to follow last year's tradition: No, I wouldn't make resolutions; rather, I will make goals for myself throughout the year (which, for the record, I did not do last year. I seem to have forgotten that part of the bargain). Once that was decided, I pretty much raked myself across the coals trying to figure out I want from 2009. I'm still trying to figure that out.

So here they are, my goals (so far) for 2009, in no particular order:

-read at least 30 books this year, no more laziness
-eat healthier, cut back on the Dr. Pepper, and excercise (being lazy is not incurable!)
-figure out what I want to do with myself so I can finally leave city college
-write more (blogging not included), get what I'm feeling out
-spend every possible moment I still have left with those whom I love and care about most
-dear lord, get off the lazy bandwagon and put actual effort into school. Raise that GPA!